The Birth of the Fool II

2.22.2012 [Consciousness of Spirit]

2012-02-22T03:19:00.000-08:00

I possess a desire to organise the various chaos of the threshold of matter, to find the logical order of enumeration, to clarify everything that doesn't signify reasonableness. I search further, I attempt to perform this achievement more completely, only to recongise more vividly the ultimately impossible end that this desire leads to. as the reflection of matter, the very system that this will operates upon is ultimately a shape-shifter, that, eventually, an aspect of existence becomes recognised, a meaning or purpose behind the sensitive sign becomes clarified, only after this a greater question imposes itself, or a smaller notion, immediately departing my subjectivity to the returning shape of chaotic, delusional consciousness. however, the content of my spirit is not immensely bestowed whatsoever, the appearance of a reality is deceptive. all space, when reflected as representation, is all content and extension at that given moment. time, when memory and imagination are discarded, is understood as a difficulty that is during that given moment overcome. the successive moments of this condition that are endured lead eventually to a liberation from intellectual consciousness, only that the material phenomenon does not give away, it seems that the operations of space and time still remain in effect, these laws guide the will to power and death relentlessly. the phenomena of matter may likely not be eternally vanished, as with the daily example of sleep and waking there is a teleological symbology that calls for the recognition of this maxim. I may be likely writing this to myself, to be read only to myself, in the same sense that other parts of matter appear ultimately from within. this within is ultimately an emptiness, one, that is again, impossible to perpetually clarify or to understand, as the symbolism and significations are incredibly perplexed and difficult at once and for all to process and to comprehend fairly. the extension of space in the threshold of matter is far from infinite, the duration of time on this earth is as long as whenever 'I' remain conscious. particularly, the extension of space offers ultimately a synthetically recognisable quantity of symbols and signs, as well it is heavily founded upon the boundary and limit of the organism. for example, everything is absolute, every representation of the reflection represents all objectivity that is to be sensed. time, again, remains either succeeding, or seemingly frozen, the latter is ideal for reverential comprehension, the former for a deceptively 'free' cognition. as it was stated earlier, the content of space is ultimately apprehended as one representation of the reflection at any given moment. plurality of objects within the threshold is merely a question of desire. consciousness alternates in its modes of conduction continuously, time calls upon succession, succession disorganises the unity of perception, motion is created by this method, chaos and delusion abound. the will returns to absolution only after consciousness resolves its passion of motion. the threshold of matter remains upheld somehow, it is still not outside the will of the spirit, however it alters and transforms immediately while the spirit sleeps dreamless and very deeply. every attribute of perception appears recognised by the spirit after it is transformed especially to adapt to itself, with logical, necessarily correct dialectic. if the manner in which the shape is received is not logically intelligible, the shape itself reprimands the spirit and an error or mistake is judged by the will for the subject, condemning it to the right sentence for suffering. the spirit shifts swiftly, with reason as well, when intelligent, a command of such nature excels the purpose of its dialectic. compromise between the inevitably opposed perspectives of ideals seems reasonable and ultimately beneficial to the conscious spirit, however in regard to the eternity of matter, and especially of its limitation, the persuasion of the spirit in order to unite the various parts of the conscious reflection seems more desirable, and more likely, so that if ultimately achieved, the victory of the spirit may rest absolutely, without any necessity to arouse the passions of desire, concern or lust, many actions are necessary to proceed ultimately to this achieved state. the eternal chaos of within remains immovable, however, with the conception of mistake and error, the rational spirit may take upon newer and intelligibly evolving life forms, to the point that the radical disunity of the subject's existence may become more or less conquered and its logical purpose reunited within reasonable means. the phenomenon of my spirit may well be constructed ingeniously to deceive me if questions are imposed upon into the nature and origin of my existence. again, compromise between absolute subjectivity and reasonable 'objectivity' may well serve to illustrate and represent my desire to settle with a satisfactory premise, even if I perceive all the while that a detached, freed state from the will of my spirit is all in all impossible, that my desire thus would necessitate the venture to proceed all the way into the chasm and mysticism of pure, unadulterated subjectivity. it is impossible to know the resolution to this mystery, only until death, yet here as well, as soon as I may perish, my consciousness immediately perishes and I am immediately arrived into another consciousness in another 'bodily' form, another 'I'. when, I ask, during the course and lifetime of this new 'I' do I enter is what I wish to know. my spirit is undoubtedly thinking, as Descartes came to premise, from this foundation I may come to reason more intelligibly the various representations of my senses. I come to know, through the means of applying time, its succession of moments, and thus dividing my reflection into parts and units, the basic foundation of numbers, that no longer does my reflection appear to represent one vision or sense, counting of 'objects' becomes possible. all the while it is inferred innately that the conception of speech has already been developed and utilised in the subject's faculty of reason. thus words are derived from symbols found within the threshold of nature and of matter. the words are formed to represent more accurately the very singular, or compound, attributes of sensation found within the threshold of the spirit's consciousness. these words vary, it is impossible to say exactly where the boundary is drawn, for better practice of summation and aesthetic judgement the design of a map may be drawn, whereupon various 'localities' or situations placed on this map are designated representations of the various dialectics or languages of 'objective' speech. the idea may be inquired into whereof two or more entirely differential modes of speech being developed and realised, why it is asked that they are different and how they are opposed. that it is likely, again, the case of compromise, whereof these pluralities of men's speech form from both the innate intelligible principle of the innovators and developers, and as well the numerical essences of the environmental space and substance of the spirit's character and time that assists in the position of the language's development, evolution and advancement. it is clear that either men in a state of nature departed from one another and incorporated states of civility over time, or it is more likely that my seed originated from a womb owing debt to a creator, that it seems probable, as stated elsewhere earlier, that upon a dreamless and very deep, empty sleep, every manifestation of knowledge and experience appears determined and ready for apprehension by the spiritual subject of consciousness, so that every aspect of intuition, history, perception, thoughts, are made visible and available for the subject to peer into, and to perceive some potential transcendental value, however only in the end I am to be deceived, that none of it, the idea of antiquity or Cicero, the Reformation or Luther, the French Revolution or Robespierre really could ever truly have existed while the will and representation of my mind and subject still conveyed motion, life and desirous force. this notion gives better credibility to the thought of multiple spiritual vehicles, separated only by the widest gulf and darkest chasm of the matter of the multiple universes. the universe, at least the universe that I objectify, is absolute and immediately limited in extension. if this were so, than my universe may contain edges at its limit, one of the most irresolute questions that I can ask would simply be, what exactly is beyond this limit? wherewith the notion of multiple universes being entertained, perhaps if I were to slip into another universe immediately opposed in some direction to mine, I would immediately take upon the life form and consciousness of that particular individual subject. the only problem obstructing the resolution to this question would be how in effect would I reach the ultimate end of this universe and break beyond it. perhaps there is a dead, thick wall at the end, that it is not possible to break about even if I were to try. it would seem likely that nothing exists beyond this universe, however whatever is beyond it could evidently impose much teeming life and prosperity [of stars, planets, motions and such, human life as well]. returning to more theoretical philosophy, a conclusion may be drawn that, in regard to those subjects of reflection, over time constructing various methods and differentiations of speech, it is likely that one will, one spirit over time has drifted within and throughout every conscious body and organism, there is a question that may be legitimately drawn striving to define where exactly one object does constitute a subject of consciousness or where one object does constitute as matter without, that is, 'dead matter' [most frequently assumed forms of this category include rocks and minerals], I believe that plants, trees, grasses, shrubs and such, contain a relative degree of consciousness, in fact the conciser one perceives the nature of this question the more impossible it is to define some one thing as without consciousness and not living [that is, even rocks, minerals, water and such contain consciousness], and that if our knowledge were to proceed to a definitely evolved state, wherein all plurality or diversity of enumeration loses value, and where all objectivity becomes one representation of reflection, derived from the subjective spirit, we would understand that this total representation were the reflection of one absolute consciousness, and that this absolute consciousness is upheld and represented by the will and driving force of the spirit. in sum, everything cannot any longer be perceived individually, but must be so collectively, and that this collection of material sources back to the prime mover and upholding vehicle of the subjective spiritual existence, that prime mover and vehicle being the 'I' of whosoever wills this absolute motion into representation. for now, 'I am' this will and representation, wherein I am conceived as a particular subject of a determined intellect and character, conceived into a particular location, influenced and developed by the current state of material, the law, sociable dialectic, references and significations, that I take this peculiar knowledge with me and form indubitably my own characteristic/subjective state and condition of transaction, transcendence and motivation, that ultimately I may acquire a piece in the subjective participation of dialectic, toward 'others', and possibly to alter and transform the course of my will, to find more suitable to the desire and temperament of my ambitions, aims, goals and ideals. these aims, goals and ideals are shaped in regard to my character, as it appears to others and exchanges the various motions and ideas throughout the course of my time. it may not be understandable to me in my lifetime as to the reason or to the ability that I am formed into this particular character at this given 'position' in time, yet it is the only subject material that I can generally know for now, and my desire is as it is in accordance with my remaining potentiality and with my learned experience. I learn to not value everything that the will offers to me, some things are by chance and error, others implicate truth and certainty. this evolves eventually a more or less sufficient understanding of the eternal dichotomy between everything. that some things stand in positive relation to me, others negative. it becomes desirable to preserve the positive outcomes and to destroy the negatives. however, some stimuli at one time may prove to remain faithful and noble to the will, while at other times it may prove despicable. the utilisation of sharp and intelligent reason is suggested in order to know when it is appropriate to classify one symbolism as right or true and another as wrong or false. the eternal dichotomy of subjective spirit and outer 'objectivity' is often recognised as fixed and irresolute to oneself, however in discussion with another spirit the line of reason once sharply drawn becomes vague and blurred, as the absolute knowledge of a subject can only be so perfect as it appears. as well, it is desirable to make concession and tributary allusion to the recognition and real validity of other objectified individuals, otherwise maliciousness and hostility should result, which is most of the time not desirable to achieve, as death of the subject ultimately results, however unless the subject has the right power to quell such riotousness of reception then it would seem reasonable to enforce the various ideals and values of the subject's possession onto the weaker opposition, if only to gain a moment of success, however it lasts only for a time, and thus the desire to dominate recommences. this process may continue indefinitely, insofar as victory is achieved and negations continue to be destroyed. in the end, a monster may result, a king or tyrant as well, however it is curious to find a preservation of that sharp line of distinction between subjective idealism and objective rationality. the dichotomy endures perpetually, the conscious spirit truly awakens, the subject is appointed sovereign, monarch and creator of a divine state. nature no longer burns, emptiness no longer thirsts. 'in a state of divine glory'.

February 22, 2012

2.16.2012 [Letters VII]

2012-02-16T09:45:00.000-08:00

here are some various letters from a few of my good friends written during the past month [Letters of Interest VI]. please enjoy this as you wish.

January 30, 2012

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what a wondrous joy it would be indeed if I were to meet my best friend one day. I would simply attach to her immediately and not want to go back without her. she is so desirable to me, in every way that I can imagine, her values and ideals, especially, ones that I find so rare in this world, that she shares them with me, are so positively similar, which, for my mind, is so incredibly hard to compete with and relate, in regard to her beauty, both subjective and externally, her character as she speaks or writes, all of this put together makes for a most astonishingly real and desirable woman for me, the correspondence that we perform with each other seems to be everlasting and sublime, hence the latest music piece that I have dedicated to her in that descriptive name earlier, Everlasting Companion. I know that it is hard for someone with like minded interests of mine to find someone else that is similar, I am a rare case to begin with, in that my evaluation of the Western world is hardly met with or settled with others, therefore I think it is likely that not so many people suffer from the same destination that it is if ever I were without a woman of her kind and desiring, very vainly and lonesomely, for an acceptable companion to find. but because I have found her, albeit far away in distance, for now I have nothing to complain about, and everything to celebrate because of her fortunate and joyful existence.

January 31, 2012

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I will be heading down to the college in two hours when the sun is up on my side of the world and the practice rooms are open. I have been playing around with and experimenting for the past hour in my mind these possible theories, as to what the meaning behind the various and particular melodies of Wagner's music truly signifies, especially drawing thoughts from Parsifal. I see that ultimately Wagner's music signifies so many incredible, unfathomable characteristics and ideas, that there truly seems not to represent any set, logical pattern, rationality, insofar as the structure and progression of the musical ideas go, is denied, his music is almost entirely founded on irrational motivation [which I make clear is not a bad thing I don't think, in the case of Wagner's music at least], it seems that he tends to select various motives, examples and concepts, from two primary elements, one being from the idea of love [of a beautiful object of desire and affection, of a beautiful woman possibly, or of a faint thought or memory, of anticipation of a bright future], the other idea he draws inspiration from is death [a return to bondage, to a stifling, sufferable state of the world, locked for the moment from the freedom and liberty of a love's motivation]. if I can simply venture a dialogue along within the lines of the melody, I eventually come to a better understanding of just what these very ineffable, deeply subconscious and primal ideas consist of and represent. I was able to do this with many of Wagner's melodies that I imagined at the moment, when I did solve the meaning behind some of the melodies, and found the very obscure logic behind them, the emotional effect of the music excelled for me, I think I would prefer writing down some of these ideas to study and remember for later. one particular kind of motive and element that I like that Wagner uses, and frequently uses at that too, is the tragic spirituality of 'an intimate, personal, purposeful love, never to attain before perishing'. I see that he employs this example in various ways, then follows it up in the music with sounds that convey deliverance, freedom, triumph and victory, success and achievement, from moving on and abolishing the necessity to bond with the element, the one that simply cannot be salvaged or rescued in time. I see that Parsifal's gloomy final chorus with the grail knights and Amfortas on his bed of death represents for the listener the idea of his final moments of suffering, preparing himself for what is likely to be another sentence to suffering, possibly to a lengthy experience of damnation and torment, or to another life, fresh and blank from all knowledge and experience gained or acquired. these statements expounded here by no means whatsoever exhausts the list of categories or means that Wagner utilises in his music. I simply draw examples from only a few sources found directly within one of Wagner's operas [Parsifal that is].

February 1, 2012

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I went to the college today and recorded this piece for anyone that is interested [Forgotten Fantasy]. I notice that there is a noble fire to some of the tonality, that there becomes a martial, militaristic will power throughout the later part of the piece. I thought about and studied various ideas about the meaning behind certain melodies, musical thoughts and such, I have written more about this elsewhere and those thoughts will likely be presented with my next Letters of Interest, whenever I feel that the letters are abundant enough to post them. anyway, please enjoy this work as you wish.

February 1, 2012

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a brief writing done here tonight [Resolve]. I think that sooner or later I will begin writing independently once again, with more sharpness and certainty than I have been feeling as of late.

February 3, 2012

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God's subjectivity merely becomes created with man's evolving adventure into the chasms of reason and conceptual speech. otherwise, without language, man has no real ability to find such a spiritual answer, thus God goes without objectification. I wonder if it is rather man's developing language that gives birth and illusory conception of God, or rather that he is summoned forever and always, regardless if man is rational enough to know it or not. I know that God, in its definitive essence, represents the subject of man, of he whosoever wills the term, that if I am speaking of God, in a roundabout way I am speaking of myself and the various representations that reflect from within or throughout me, perceived through solipsistic, empty content means, so that insofar as I exist, or at least think that I am existing, God exists, it becomes clarified that I am God, but saying this to various other conscious, rational spirits creates dissonance and arbitration, therefore I keep this revelation to myself, understanding that also the reality of it can never truly be verified before death, so that I may be wrong or right, that I am the only willing subject within a vacuous void, or one of many subjects, all willing and reflecting likewise inside a tremendously complex and complicated system and scheme of nearly indecipherable symbolism, representations, images and meaningful purpose, existing for whatever subject to find out and comprehend, to positively evolve his nature higher, to return to that original purpose of his creation, to a more angelic, perfected, wisdom abundant fantasy.

February 3, 2012

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this is a forty eight minute piece that I have recorded on the piano at the college today [Tears and Might]. I chose to do things differently this time, in that I brought along with my recording mixer a couple of music books [some Beethoven sonatas and Liszt's Wagner opera transcriptions] and simply warmed up with them and practiced for some time, so that when I was finally ready to improvise, I did so at an incredibly improved rate and my ability really showed through, everything concerning the music was a major advancement from the prior piece that I did a few days ago [Forgotten Fantasy]. the comfort of my fingers on the keys, the swiftness and agility of my hands, the wildness and passion of my temper, the uninhibited melody of my thoughts, all succeeded indeed, and thus a key to triumph is learned. enjoy this as you can, be aware, it is the lengthiest piece that I have yet to record.

February 3, 2012

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I am back from the college, I ended up recording a forty eight minute piece. I warmed up with some Beethoven sonatas and Liszt's Rienzi fantasy, I must say, I understand now what I have been mistaken of, I really should warm up ahead of time, as I determine from the results of my music today, that there is such an amazing improvement, all throughout every aspect of my playing, this piece I think serves much better than my Forgotten Fantasy and I feel that today was a major success with my music. this piece is the longest I have yet to record. I am really glad that I recorded this music and was able to finally return to a kind of ease and warmth at the piano that recalls my days prior to the Testaments demo, the Music of the Forest style and such.

February 3, 2012

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earlier yesterday while I was practicing and warming up at the college I had in mind these various thoughts recommended to me, while playing Beethoven I figured, for the most part, that my playing of it was not so bad, that I may want to record a couple pieces of his and of Liszt while I was there. I didn't do this yesterday of course, simply for I felt that I needed to practice the works a bit more in order to record them legitimately. but perhaps, during my next visit, I will record a Beethoven sonata or a Liszt/Wagner transcription. the only significant suffering that I feel about this would be, again, the page turning dilemma, I always feel it is necessary to memorise written pieces before recording them, so that the sound of the pages turning does not occur, but my ability to memorise things, many little, detailed, specific, intricate notations, all assembled together in a special, complicated order, is terrible in regard to my ability of it, simply for I know that my disposition caters more eloquently to subjective, universal, all encompassing ideas, rather than what I have described from above. so for the most part I tend to usually stick to recording written music with the pages in front of me, as I recognise the difficulty I have in memorising accurately various notations of music [this is yet another reason why improvisation stands ideally for me]. I love the painting that I have chosen to represent my music [Tears and Might], it is of Louis XV I believe, a French absolute monarch during the historical epoch where such a concept of absolute monarchy was either fully evolving in its greatness or was in the midst of a cultural exhaustion [hence the coming unfortunate Revolution].

February 4, 2012

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I don't necessarily cancel the very possibility of ever recording written music, I have done it so in the past and there are videos available on the internet that one can see. anyway, I've been desiring to write philosophically lately, I don't know exactly what it is that is happening symbolically in my life right now, but I feel as though that I have been storing up much content, energy and ideas, spending time away from the utility, reasoning and developing my thoughts, to the point where when I do return to writing, in this symbolically unique year of 2012 [in the way that I find it pertains to me], I will write thoroughly and dramatically and convey more completely the essential nature and substance that my thoughts are directing at and aiming toward. I think that this direction is the most desirable means for me to take, thus I must begin this task eventually, along with finally perfecting my book and publishing it.

February 4, 2012

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I love birds personally, dearly, I owned several groups of budgies over time while I was living with my father, I found them absolutely adorable and incredibly silly, they were totally crazy and out of their minds [but in a natural way of course] and they really knew how to make me laugh. currently my landlord desires no pets at my place, but I would give anything to own a pair of budgies once again, or any other kind of bird for that matter, as they are truly one of my favourite kinds of animals. I owned a dog when I was growing up [my step-father owned the dog literally of course], Nala was her name, she was a big beautiful golden dog, a Labrador Collie mix and she lived to be a wonderful old age, just two years ago when she was put down. I have had so many good memories with her, I would love going out in the backyard merely to play with her when I was young, I miss her dearly and wish that I could have known her more. I lived with my father for several years, being cut away from her spirit, I get sad thinking about how everything truly turned out, my experience with her I believe could have been better. anyway, I feel the right time is coming when I will commit myself to prolific writing once again, I think that I have merely been taking a break during the 'moment', literally taking in and storing up much fresh knowledge, new ideas to me that I hadn't reflected upon before, a vaster circle or grade of understanding, I am taking my time doing this in order to demonstrate a satisfactory result, I simply feel that my mind is currently evolving from one more youthful and primitive state to another more mature and cultivated state. activity will begin appearing I believe, sometime very soon.

February 5, 2012

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I'm thinking about heading down to the college today to record some music in fact. I feel lately that I have achieved a greater state of practice, technique, and melodic thought, thus I find it probably wise to expend this inspiration on the piano while it lasts. I'm not sure right now how long I would like this piece to be, but I do know that for some reason, I feel drawn once again to my past style of performance, that is, of my Warrior of Day music style, the fast, atonal, very crazy yet beautiful return to tonality style, I recorded many pieces in this vein that are presented currently on the internet, yet I feel that, taking along with me various new inventions and ideas suited for this music, that this music is not exhausted in any way and can utilise some additional evolution. in a few hours I will be heading down to the college and hopefully record a piece that returns to the Dinosaur Music style, one that is lengthy as well, perhaps I may plan on a fifty to sixty minute piece [as I have never made it this far before and thus feel tempted to achieve this].

February 6, 2012

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here is a good piece from today [Time and Eternity]. at last, I was finally able to produce successfully an improvisation that ranges over an hour's worth of music. it is slower, yet wild and tempered at parts, it does not reflect too much of the crazy atonal music that I was originally intending to do today, yet nevertheless, I feel that this work triumphs many recordings of mine. please enjoy this as you wish.

February 6, 2012

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I am back now from the school. I recorded a sixty minute piece. the piece is entitled Time and Eternity, it reflects of course the lengthy nature of the piece, but I don't intend to advocate it as something boring or time consuming. so many aspects and forms of thought in this Titanic piece are full of energy, youth and vigour, also this piece is more controlled than is Tears and Might, it is slower generally and not as wild, I did warm up again as I did before, however the general atmosphere of today seemed different, cloudier, colder, more noise in the practice rooms, it is likely that environmental factors very heavily will configure and determine the quality and nature of my works as I have been coming to understand this as such during the past few months.

February 6, 2012

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I have become very inspired to play music lately, very lengthy pieces they are turning out to be. even during the hour long piece I felt as though that I could play a little longer, my energy wasn't as expended as I had thought it would be by the time the piece was about to be finished. my book is currently being perfected of its punctuation errors and such, as it may be known I have taken some pictures of my two books that are now printed out in paperback form, they can be seen on the internet. from this I have began a thorough reading of the entire first book, The Birth of the Fool, and have simply been returning to the Word document on my computer and fixing any errors that I notice when I am reading through the pages of the book. I plan to do this completely through the text, therefore when I am done reading it and fixing errors, the book should be perfectly ready in its desired state and not need some other book agents and such to thoroughly revise the book. as for finding an agent goes currently, I have been holding back on sending out more query letters as I simply am taking a break from this, I am exhausted from the task [as well over a hundred letters have been sent out from the beginning]. there is a whole new site that I am making reference to and will utilise as a source to find the appropriate agent, so really it is a matter of time, both sending out letters and waiting to hear back from someone. I really hope that I get this book represented and published, out on the market before I perish. I find it curious and stark knowing realistically that I could die at any moment, that if I were to do so before the book were published than I feel that my life goal were not achieved, what misery that this would entail for my 'afterlife conscience'. perhaps someone will publish the book posthumously, as has been the case with authors and composers before, but this seems merely a far fetched wish, or not.

February 7, 2012

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I find my work Tears and Might to be possibly one of the highest caliber productions that I have done in many, many months. Time and Eternity is slower, grander, yet less uninhibited and more controlled, but still I find this newest piece enjoyable and full of many various unique melodies and interesting musical ideas. I recognise that great works of art [as I am shamelessly convinced of my own work] and geniuses themselves go by unnoticed in the subject's lifetime, I simply derive this understanding from Schopenhauer extensively, this great man wrote clearly on this subject, I know that my work tends to be just the same case as his, as with so many others in the past. patience calls for responsibility, however I wonder as the world is so decadent and degenerate in its time right now, that the image of a magnanimous man can even be realised, produced or conceived in the imaginative public anymore. everything is flying by so fast now, new ideas run immediately into decomposition, fleeting trivial little nonsense occupies the thought and minds of nearly every ordinary man [as has been the case for centuries, however recently boundless resentment and misunderstanding has become actualised in the face and countenance of any true and transcendental idealism]. one can even believe that this idealism has never been deader than it has been before, every commentary or discussion dismisses youthful, fiery, pure, beautiful, noble and innocent intentions, in replace of this there is no more than conclusive, judgemental, post experiential, realistic/practical/utilitarian disillusionment, a condition that comes about more and more frequently as the civilisation deadens, becomes weightier and heavier and prepares for a suicide or a transition into a third world state [many fragments of this corrupt condition are already tremendously taking place in the West as we speak].

February 9, 2012

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here is a relatively subjective, personal writing from this morning [Recovery]. there are thoughts based on music, reading, an eventual yet certain return to philosophical explanation of my ideas and poetic construction.

February 10, 2012

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it is so characteristic of dogs to sit and watch their masters eat their meals, begging them with puppy dog eyes for a little nibble of their food. Megan's dog Petals virtually socialised with me only for the sole purpose of attaining food from me, I really shouldn't have conditioned her to expect something from me every time I was around her, I really liked that dog, she was so good natured, small and cute, Megan's parents had to put her down during early 2010 for old age and various pain problems. I found it sad, I really wish I could have been with her more during the last few days of her life, but malicious events regarding Megan and I at the time destroyed that wish.

February 10, 2012

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I wrote an article on Xanga, a pretty positive one [Recovery], a writing that reintroduces my thoughts to others in a clearer, kinder manner, the characteristic pessimism and negativity is barely as much sensed this time, I feel that my break from article writing is doing good so far, perhaps I have been learning more than I tend to recognise as of late.

February 10, 2012

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I don't know if Megan has truly found happiness since the both of us have separated. I would like to think that she is happy on her own, really I do not even know if she has another partner at this time, even if this were so I wouldn't know if she were happy with him also. I know that, at the end of our relationship, and during the final few months of our communication [up to March of 2011], that she and I were continuously disappointed with each other and I was continuously disapproving of her behaviour and her outside intentions, which created contempt in me of her, it was almost unbearable at times. sometimes I am still reminded of her when we were young, good to each other and innocently loving. I see every now and then cars that go by on the road that remind me of her, some dialogue and scenery from a game that I play every now and then that recalls the very beginning, paradise like atmosphere that the two of us had shared. much of the time when I am thinking of her, I imagine her and I on the bed or sofa together, her talking really fast and silly, literally going crazy from the estrogen in her, I begin to laugh and wish to hold her in a firm, approving way. these moments remain alive and remembered for me now that I am older and beyond her time, at least these are the kind of moments that I wish to preserve.

February 11, 2012

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Megan changed over throughout the course of my communication with her, at the end, during the last year of my friendship with her, her responses that she would give to me were terrible, far from imaginative and plainly corrosive in their practical sentiments, I felt eventually as though I were talking to an enemy, which I believe now that I was, all of the understanding and compassion that she initially had for me in the beginning was vanished and she continued tempting to undermine and dismiss my every statement, over time this became one of the most frustrating things imaginable, as I felt soon enough that I needed to be as clear, thorough and explanatory as possible to her, otherwise just a solitary, single wrong word chosen in my phrases would initiate her method to dismissing me, then I would become more abstract and irritable, she would then request that I leave her place, this seemingly perpetual cycle in itself was a tremendous insult and unfair to my intentions, as though she were getting the last word, when justice was far from deserving of this upon her. in retrospect, I became a philosopher like Socrates would suggest if a woman doesn't treat her man well. I improved my lingual structure a thousand fold because of her cunning, however at times I feel even the clearest of statements that I try to make to people are still not even understood by these various subjects, that perhaps I am trying so hard to be clear that in a roundabout way I create an incomprehensible statement that determines once more the necessity for the listener to dismiss the statement as once again the subject is either too difficult to understand, or too certain, masterful and right wing for the person, to go without the subject becoming resentful and jealous, and thus desiring to somehow find a way to destroy my throne and negate my very entitlement to credibility. as for now, I have recovered tremendously from that characteristic fear that I get when attempting to make a positive statement to some subject, knowing that during this time my intentions are much clearer and wiser than before, that they are much truer as well, so that the stereotypical negative response from my opposition is not nearly so often achieved, that I am able to silence them and not receive the same negative sentiment that Megan was so keen on and frequently performing to me. anyway, my dear friend on the other hand is, to me, a positively prime example of what Megan, in the end, was not, that with her will and deep knowledge of many ideas I can thus progress, evolve and create better epochs and phases for myself, without any of the fear of being unjustifiably negated, as if she desired to negate me simply for she were jealous, envious or resentful of my subjective constructions, which there are many of these in the potential of me [subjective constructions], but so far she shows me, behaves with me in every complimentary and commendable way, I love her as a civil companion all the more, knowing that I am without any unnecessary impediment or obstruction to the pursuit of and the acquisition of natural virtuous knowledge and wisdom, as I permit of herself to achieve just as much and the same thing that I desire of while she is around me as well. I am surrounded by love from her, I feel this actuality sincerely too, I wish to furnish her with an even greater amount of love if she were to permit this from me.

February 12, 2012

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the idea of a great thinker, a great philosopher forging and grounding the foundation to a greater, intellectually brilliant age, wherein a 'mediocracy' is really a correct term applied to the state that is 'ruled' by the masses of ordinary, uneducated, uncultivated and classless men, while every effort and great task produced by a shining hero is denied and shunned, merely for the interests of the herd to continue to dominate, and irrational passions of resentment and jealousy form in them because of their subconscious recognition that their political system is possibly not in the best interest for the nation or of an even correct position to govern, thus they fear and secretly cower, devise and concoct all kinds of sorcery, through the means of propaganda, speech, art and music, science, in order to wrongly justify the condition of their system, which is by no means unshakable, the death of their constructions comes eventually, to the fortune and celebration of the genius and of genuine philosophy.

February 13, 2012

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the image that I use for Time and Eternity is indeed a French vista, of Versailles in fact, my received speculation on this is on the right path, I use this background simply for the entire landscape seems so grand and universally encompassing, coupled together with the very efficient geometry of the architecture and design, of the palace itself, the gardens, the walkways, the total idea of the area I find to be incredible and simply comprehensive in its appearance, I think that it accompanies well the grand nature of the time that one needs to take in order to listen sufficiently to the piece.

February 14, 2012

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I do not wish to perish before publishing my book, as well I wish to make clear that I am in a very healthy state indeed, however as I was describing the concern about my health I was merely taking into account the accidental state of nature and existence that might or might not affect me in such a way someday before my book is published, that I hope not to die before publishing my book, to not die by a chance accident or of some sort of random death. I know that I am young and that a natural cause of death is far from likely in my condition, however I merely mention that anything tragic can happen to myself at any moment, undesirably and with misfortune of course. I hope this clears up the concern about my health.

February 14, 2012

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the decadence and unrest of the particular age during the reign of the French absolute monarchs just prior to the Revolution I think is very correct, it must not be forgotten the very libertarian 'ideals' that the Americans practiced and utilised in the forming of the States as a division from Britain as well. the type of thought was indeed a cancer, yet as Hegel and various proceeding philosophers have pointed out, rather justifiably, that everything in this world follows by cause of logical necessity, with even historical progression, so that unfortunately for the master moralists after the revolutions, history is justified and liberalism and decay of intentions and such is inevitable. but of course as I have learned from Spengler, history succeeds in a progression as does the four seasons, the West is currently in a winter phase, however it will someday necessarily become spring and so on.

February 15, 2012

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my step-father and I have surprisingly come to get along with each other now, after many years of youthful rebellion on my side and plain misunderstanding between the both of us. I know that I see him only very rarely, however I feel that this past battling and such has finally subsided for the better. the classic arts are indeed an essential aspect of life, at least if one wishes to create inspiration and better meaning, to increase the person's intellectual power, which listening to a grand opera or some thing similar indeed will likely do. when I play my music, it is difficult to describe what exactly is occurring to me, there are so many different facets and sides to my performance that settling down with one concept to fit my description of it seems trivial and not likely to hold any ground, however I do certainly feel that at least my mind 'uplifts' and that I do begin to associate thoughts and relative ideas more 'freely', if that is at all possible [which in some way it 'is', though not necessarily true]. I have several videos uploaded on the internet of me playing, however it has been quite some time since I have put together a new one and have had myself filmed playing the piano. I simply find it rather difficult to do successfully right now given the room setting at the college practice rooms that I play in [it is very hard to angle the camera properly, as the rooms are rather small], I feel as well that my music demands very lengthy pieces to be produced at this moment, and unfortunately with my camera it allows me to film only up to more or less ten minute sections before the device stops recording, while I intend currently to play songs that are up to twenty five to thirty minutes at least and continuously. at my previous college there was a very large, beautiful grand piano in a somewhat auditorium/performance like room that I was able to play on every now and then. I had many ambitions to record some of the various Wagner opera transcriptions that I had been studying at the time, back in August/September of 2007, however this never turned out for some reason, perhaps I simply denied the thought over time. I have played on a few Steinways before I believe. there were a few at my work when I was a sheet music clerk employed at a piano warehouse back in 2006, also there existed one at my high school if I remember correctly. they do sound beautiful, and magical too. anyway, I haven't seen the moon so much during these past few weeks, however when I do see it, it is very bright, I like when it is revealed through my window while I am resting and about ready to fall asleep. as it concerns the weather, it is snowing here today, and it snowed here two days ago as well. it is rather deep and heavy this time, very cold out too, misty and dark, even during noontime when it is regularly bright out. I am pretty sure that one time or another I have shared a sunset with Megan, I remember during one time when it was New Year's Eve at around midnight, while I was living in my cabin at Palomar, that Megan and I drove up to and rested our car at a beautiful cliff's edge of the mountain, overlooking the city and the night lights below, watching the fireworks in the distance, this was during the night of 2009 and 2010 and during one of the truly last times that Megan and I would visit each other for an extended period of time. I believe during the morning after that experience she had cut a deep red string for some reason, yet after when she left the place the string remained on the floor untouched for the remainder of my stay at the cabin, still to this day the string remains in my possession, it is one of the last reminders that I have of her memory, I sincerely think that this string was blessed with a holy spell of some sort, to symbolise the memory of our departed legacy.

February 15, 2012

2.10.2012 [Recovery]

2012-02-10T08:46:00.000-08:00

lately I have been resting somewhat from writing, while during this period I have devoted more time to piano performance, improvisation especially, recording, where in a period of three days I was able to produce two pieces ranging between forty eight to sixty minutes. I feel truly that this production is a positive accomplishment, I desire to continue such creativity. my music is of course lengthy and time testing [some subjects inform me that this latter is not the case for them, always to my rejoice], however the melodies are curious at special times, there is power and force in the bass, tremolos are utilised frequently as a direct result of long ago inspiration from Wagner's string employment, the musical thoughts themselves tend to represent very difficult, philosophical ideas, I find that when I reason through what several phrases that I can, where I realise various ideas into actual lingual/conceptual form, that much of what the tonality infers for the listener is vaguely reminiscent of profound tragedy, albeit tied up with drama, struggle, suffering, confusion, occasional victory [which is usually long lasting once it is achieved]. my music as it has come today, if I can form a general understanding of it, is certainly unique in its ideas. the structure, if there is any, is ultimately complex, the introductory notes are firm and solemn, the energy excites and soon there is uninhibited motion and inertia taking place in my hands. I am glad that I possess dozens of recordings of my music that document the various times that the forms of my manifestation of music would exhibit, it is only recently that I feel that my music is truly developing into a mature and resigned state, in contrast to my earlier recordings, where much homage is frequently payed to Wagner, Liszt and such, not so much anymore is such a method being utilised in my music, therefore it is splendid that I can reflect in my memory, to comprehend the success that I have achieved and to pull further into the fantastic realm of the imagination and the future of my musical ambitions. I have been taking a break from writing lately in fact for several curious reasons, one being that I think lately that a great abundance of new information has been presented before me, that I have been absorbing all of this new knowledge the greatest that I can, which of course there is so much, thus a return to poetic/philosophical explanation takes its time. I feel as well perhaps that after a certain particular writing that I had produced a few weeks ago, 'The Edge of Solipsism', it was here in this writing that a near complete exhaustion of my philosophical concepts and understandings had occurred, at least insofar as time permits of a relative chance to discuss something with natural legitimacy and validation. I feel as well that in this writing that my subjective position in relation to my 'world' had demonstrated through the art of the writing a state as far advanced as it could go, that nothing outside of this realm could become explained with more absolute, solipsistic, empty accuracy. it is an exhaustion state that necessarily proceeds, thus I am recuperating and recovering the vanished and bestowed strength that has emitted during this particular writing and here after has been desirous of me to recapture. I am currently reading well over a dozen philosophical books at once, at my cabin here from my library, at present with the vast majority of them I am generally somewhere past several dozen pages into all of them [all of the more recently purchased ones that is], there are books that I possess where I am hundreds of pages into them, some that are nearing completion, however most of the books that I am reading currently are recently purchased and therefore not so thoroughly read into and comprehended by me of the various authors' determined significance. one book in particular, a 1500 page collection of Aristotle's writings, has inspired me greatly, but there is so much work and study necessary for me to do if I am ever to gain a credible and official understanding of this great philosopher's writings and ideas. I like to refer to myself, in vocation, as a learning scholar, of philosophic and historic texts, however, again, there is needed a great sentencing of labour to do if I am ever to achieve for myself a legitimate entitlement of a true scholar, one that is at least knowledgeable enough of various texts to be recognised and referred faithfully to by whosoever desires to know or understand a various idea or such about a philosophical system, to make sense or to perceive more clearly just what question it is that a subject is trying to resolve. soon I feel that my motivation to write subjectively/philosophically/poetically will return. for now I do not wish to exhaust myself any further, which I haven't been doing so as far as I am aware, for much time has been passing where I seem to merely be taking a break from all of this heavy content, where eventually I should emerge richer and wiser than ever, but I don't expect too much writing to take place very soon, in the above mentioned sense. however, there remains a strong desire within me to do so, even right now, so that I can only tempt myself one day to finally 'break the ice' once again and indulge in the emphatic joy that I get when constructing together a positive, creative piece of philosophy, art or poetry. there remain some brooding traits within me to be sure, however I observe by now that these traits almost always vanish when I progress further in the train of my ideas in a work of thought. perhaps those brooding ideas are merely a symbolism of the great task that I have to perform, that is, the great responsibility that I have of writing legitimate pieces successfully and faithfully to my will's intention, which honestly can be tempting, and it is a difficult thing to do, therefore I feel stressed as a result just prior to the opening lines, which seems to necessarily create that undesired tension, but after I am finished introducing my primary theories, the worry and concern gradually disintegrates and usually I am more 'free' and open to reveal and reason greater depths. I think that right now that I am evolving greatly, more so than my earlier phases, perhaps I am becoming a better, more realistic man. I never wish to deny my relationship to idealism and self mastery, however I recognise just how difficult it can be living authentically according to such principles, in a world that is by and large now wholly transformed and evaporated from idealistic myth. I contain a young at heart spirit, in that much of the representations of my 'world' inspire me and fill me with much thought to enjoy and to contemplate, however there seems to be, from the relative human/social perspective, continuous desires to reject or reason the way out of this objective contemplation, that nothing, or hardly anything remains fantastic to an ordinary subject, astonishment and amazement in brilliant ideas or objectification remains dead, I remain young in spirit, likely continue to do so, I see just how fascinating and helpful something like a musical instrument can be, or what magic power it can establish for a subject, in my case the piano, that within the time that a subject journeys through his performance, there are so many possibilities that abound for him, just what can be played and such, harmonies of this or that, an evolution of dialectical comprehension, over time the mind of the subject opens wider, knowing that he does not know so much as he thought he did, thus the ability to amazement and profundity becomes brighter, the subject loves all the more the various objects of his existence, he can, with more or less time and energy, apprehend something detached from his will and organism, in that timeless matter that seems so hard to do, but with enough practice of his instrument [some do not need a musical instrument or whatever else to wonder at the majesty of life and such], with enough development of his dialectical skill, he can learn to love everything in the primary state that it evidences to him, knowing that all objectivity originates from the same organism, the same will. in any event, the renewal of me as a writer that journeys through philosophic/poetic thoughts begins soon, I feel the passion within me building. perhaps I will achieve with some relative measure just what it is that I aim for, a truly thorough and authentic explanation of my ideas, a poetic expansion of my thoughts, a universal maturity and resignation of my characteristic hatred and introductory wickedness, in place for a studied and scholarly balance of passion, knowledge and love.

February 10, 2012

2.3.2012 [Resolve]

2012-02-03T03:18:00.000-08:00

what is becoming of me. distant questions are asked, without possible resolution. a vague mystery is all that remains. unable to comprehend the conception of my soul. impossible to understand the fantasies of my mind. my life, obliterated of its interpretation. great ideas and changes come into being. a transformation of universal character. a spawning stimulation of negative afterbirth. beyond the capacity to remember the many historical aeons. time flows. soon I find the sufficient order to my newest spiritual evolution.

February 3, 2012

1.30.2012 [Letters of Interest VI]

2012-01-30T04:32:00.000-08:00

some various thoughts and letters, philosophical, musical, transcendental and such, written in correspondence with two of my wonderful friends from this past month [Letters of Interest V].

January 4, 2012

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I drove down the mountain earlier yesterday to run some errands, I had some time to myself as a store I desired was still to open up, the local state university was a half mile walk from where I was at, I journeyed to it and decided to head to the library. the building is an impressive five stories tall. I made it inside, rode the elevator up, gazed at the utterly impressive display of scholarly work and countless tomes of ambition, art and genius. the collection I viewed was equal to no other that I have ever experienced. at the philosophy section I was particularly overwhelmed. row after row of these frighteningly soaring intellectual works of timeless, absolute genius were ranked accordingly, every author that I've had my eyes on for awhile was present, including an enormous amount of thousands of others, I found these very original, creative books dating from the 1800's [a few even from the 1700's], some texts were written entirely in the old English type set. overall, the experience was simply incredible. I was so overwhelmed, I immediately recognised just how abundant and extensive the amount of knowledge this world has acquired and collected over time. if I were to obtain at least a complimentary, minimal yet legitimate amount of knowledge then virtually an ineffable degree of study and intellectual labour is necessary to proceed, even if I am to ever determine myself seriously a scholar of genuine merit in my own right. it was a breath taking experience.

January 4, 2012

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I retain quite some compassion for the Symphony that I did, back in December of 2006. the time of day that I was experiencing during this era leaves me feeling very nostalgic, as it was so very unique, I would have difficulty explaining the reasons to this however. but it is correct indeed, that this music intends to conjure up images such as that of the Austrian Alps and such, snow covered forests, cold elevated mountains [hence the representative image to the videos], these are some of the visions that I had in my mind during the time that I had recorded this piece. Ancient of the Day is simply a memorable piece of mine that I had recorded in May of 2009, when my relationship with Megan was undergoing quite a radical transformation, our intimacy was very mature at this point and truly developed, yet collapsing.

January 5, 2012

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a rather personal train of philosophical thoughts done here this morning [On the Dubious Nature of Spirit].

January 6, 2012

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I have been developing a rather more scientific perspective over time, however always remaining close to what is clear and absolute, without failing to acknowledge that I and my fellow men ultimately know very little, as the metaphysical system of the world is tremendously complicated, nearly impossible to understand completely and with a sense of order. though attempts being made in acquiring some of its knowledge are always praise worthy.

January 6, 2012

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I was able to dig up some of these old papers of mine yesterday and was very surprised and astonished, happily that is, to find that many of my old piano compositions were still in tact, in particular three legitimate compositions from my high school years, among others written during earlier times, as well as an unfinished college composition [set to a romantic poem that I had written around that time of later 2005, it is very beautiful I see it in its progression], now, I have decided and made plans to record some of these pieces at college, for my best friend especially, and others to hear once I deliver them here onto the internet. I just need to wait for the college semester to start, when the piano rooms are opened. but one may expect to see a few videos in the coming weeks containing my performance of some of these compositions [two Arabic Rhapsodies, and a Romantic Fantasy I believe the latter is called], I simply need to practice a bit as well beforehand [some parts of these pieces are rather virtuosic, characteristic of the driving ambition and genuine fantasies of mine during these times].

January 8, 2012

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I am indeed a musician. I have been so for nearly the whole course of my life, however I do not earn my money from this interest, it is merely a hobby of mine, one that is always susceptible to becoming transformed into a career, however I simply do not aspire to or direct my ambitions well enough to make it into a profession where money and a livelihood may become earned from it.

January 8, 2012

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I believe that I could have performed these compositions better [Arabic Rhapsodies 1 and 2, Two Part Romantic Fantasy in A Major], I am of course aware of the many mistakes made in these pieces, partly due to the quickness undertaken in familiarising myself with the works, while at the same time being rather out of practice. I may rerecord these three pieces eventually. presented are my three compositions and a glimpse into the mind of a once aspiring piano virtuoso, a naive showman guided by the wild and passionate Liszt [particularly his Hungarian Rhapsodies and Transcendental Etudes], the flamboyant nature and character of the pieces bear witness to this concept. it is here that I now toil with much effort to produce faithfully the sound of the compositions as I had originally intended it to be heard during those days [particularly during my senior year of high school, 2004-2005].

January 9, 2012

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I was fortunate enough to learn earlier today that the college is in fact open, the semester has already begun, starting from this day. the practice rooms, as I learned from a person on the phone were open as well. I took this opportunity, very excitedly and nervously, to head down to the college with my recording mixer and with three of my earlier compositions from my senior year in high school, I attempted to record them. the hallway was busy, very full with obnoxious, loud and shallow people at first, however as I was doing some preliminary practicing [I was certainly not going to merely sit down and record these pieces instantaneously like I tend to do with most of my improvisations], the tone of the room eventually quieted down [thank the gods], I skimmed through the various pages, observing the various intricacies and details of the works, I practiced through them a few times [how greatly the pieces are difficult to execute perfectly, I recognise that I am nowhere near the capacity of talent from what I used to be, however this is merely because I rarely practice these days, if I were to begin more practice I am sure that I would excel once again in that old characteristic virtuosic tendency]. these pieces recorded today are not perfect, they are difficult undoubtedly [also, turning the pages was a great confusion at first and produced much difficulty for me during the recordings], I will likely rerecord these some other time, I see other musicians on the internet tend to do this as well. but three compositions are on here now, the two Arabic Rhapsodies [inspired by Liszt's Hungarian Rhapsodies, as well as what I now consider to be ancient Egyptian tonality], there is also a Romantic Fantasy that I am dedicating to my best friend. I received a book in the mail that I had ordered a week ago, I just earned it today as I was getting ready to head down to the college, Spinoza's Ethics is the book, I think this book represents chiefly the train of thought that my philosophical ideas have been enduring during the past year or so, he is a very hard determinist, permitting not at all the idea of free will, as most liberal Christians hope and wish. with Spinoza, God is found in substance, the matter of the universe, the soul as well, not of some independent, liberated, human compassionate faux deity. in any event, I am looking forward to learning much from this man, one from others that I've heard great things about, coming from Nietzsche, Hegel, Schopenhauer [to an extent], others as well.

January 9, 2012

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I have presented my recent works online with a certain degree of consciousness and concern, that they may not have been received well, due to the lack of practice and preparation, as well as that terrible need to flip the pages over during right in the middle of the recordings, where it is noticeable and such [I should have adapted them to a binder, however I have always feared doing this as I do not want to damage the pages]. at least for now, if ever something were to happen to the pages themselves, there are recordings of these compositions that exist on the internet for others to listen to them. I will do every thing I can, that I am able to, in order to preserve these recordings as well, to burn them to CDs and such [if ever there were a fire at my place, all of the CDs that I possess of every one of my recordings, improvisations and such, would be the first objects of my rescue, included with it the books that I have written, as well the ones that are burned to CD in Word document format].

January 10, 2012

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I have been feeling ever more confident in my latest works, with much gratitude owing to the words from my good friend, as her words have been so kind and revitalising, in their expression of my once diminished confidence. I believe that I have a sound security in the storage and protection of my works, of both writing and music, that if ever a fire or something disastrous were to happen, at my cabin or on the internet, that nearly every one of my works would be retained and preserved from any destruction. I hope that I may find a woman of my good friend's stature, of her rank and her beauty one day. if not in this life then perhaps in another, I simply wish for this with enough perseverance for it to be ultimately granted.

January 11, 2012

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a rather Morbid Angel inspired poetic writing presented here this morning [Joyous Monster]. not very lengthy as I simply burned out at the end [this was not of course intended]. I will definitely write in this style more often, it is a great expression of much of what I think about.

January 13, 2012

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here is a better writing done this evening [The Immediacy of Perception]. the title of it describes the nature of the article pretty much. again, these are very personal observations, likely very hard to be credited by others. I share them with others in any case, I simply desire some intellectual company.

January 13, 2012

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as for the general reception and behaviour of subjects on Youtube, I am in complete agreement with my good friend and I can relate to her totally, as well in relation to my Xanga account [this is a blog site where I write immediately to], the people that exist there are mostly horrible, absolutely terrible, liberal, pusillanimous, despicable creatures, I could use every negative word in the dictionary that designates and represents the herd of this unhappy form, still my rage for most of these entities will not give way. I have not a single true comrade on there yet, however I have requested the amount of seventy plus 'friends', yet remain almost utterly alone and isolated on there, hardly anyone aspires to read my writings anyway, I think this is due to the truly low and base values on this earth here. when they leave comments for me, so far hardly a single one bears an agreeable mannerism to my perspective, the subjects merely pry and seek to reevaluate my words and their intentions in a way that best fits their realistic, deplorable and utilitarian doctrines. I feel so terrible at times because of their wretched behaviour that I actually lose a great amount of influence to even put together enough effort to create a well thought out and genuine writing on the site, the state of their ideals is simply this depressing. I believe that this condition reflects very accurately and precisely the very pathetic and Christian slave like mentality that the majority of the subjects in the West have fallen into. this blog website Xanga is a perfect representation of that degeneracy. I could go on and on about this condition, it fuels me with fury to no end, however so long as I have a good friend and a few other very positive, constructive, creative and genuine people to associate with, particularly on Youtube, then I remain happy to an extent, however this restful condition is in no way my ideal, my ambitions strive farther than 90% of other subjects in the West, so that a general community of like minded people with similar interests is still desired to be conceived and preserved, otherwise my unhappiness does not become contained eternally, I feel it is right that I should perhaps search elsewhere for a better reception. anyhow, these are merely my thoughts on this sad state of affairs of the blogging world, particularly Xanga. Blogger is not so bad, however I am entirely alone and isolated there, only my close in age brother has me as a friend on it, nearly everyone else does their own thing, contacts on that site are extremely rare.

January 14, 2012

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it is true that I do take pauses in my writing every now and then, especially when I desire to search for the correct word or phrase to utilise in my work. the subject matter that I discuss in this particular writing is undoubtedly complicated, by no means exhausted either, I don't expect others to understand it so completely, as there exist certain images and modes of perception that are required in order to comprehend more exactly the nature of my subject matter [the title of the work, The Immediacy of Perception, is a clue as to how a person should perceive the world, if he is at all to understand more clearly what it is that I am desiring to idealise, value and envision universally].

January 16, 2012

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honestly, at times I have seriously considered leaving Xanga, as, at least as the condition of it goes for now, I find barely any positive reception, I described this state earlier, due to these desperate and pitiful circumstances the possibility of my leaving that website manifests every now and then. however I will likely continue to remain on the site, but will simply delete many of the 'friends' on there and go for more of a solitary approach, even if this means earning a fewer view count to my writings, but as this moment goes, I simply do not find hardly any worthy, noble and virtuous individuals on that depressing website. there is potential however, that one can find genuine intellectuals on a blogging website, however the general rule of reality bears connection to this condition, in that as it is usually a tough search to find genuine intellects in personal experience, so it is usually a difficult search on the web as well. but I continue to believe the process is worth the effort, for eventually a unique individual may be found every now and then, as I have found my friends here on Youtube. even if a certain blog of my good friend's were ever to contain some overt National Socialist doctrine, I in particular would never be offended by this from her, I am capable of understanding my friend's principles, remembering everything that it was that made me align to that doctrine so many years ago, however now it only remains obscured, simply for undergoing a withdrawal into the deepest edge of intellectual reality that has been necessarily conceived to my character, due to certain tremendously painful circumstances that nearly required me to undergo such a transformation. it would be correct however to presume that she would make me happy with her every constructive and positively intended statement and thought, merely by sharing her thoughts with me I am already elevated of spirit by her to a very excellent degree. the both of us are among the elite as it is said in this sick and degenerated civilisation, we are the few subjects objectified within the aristocratic side of the spectrum, wherein more than 90% of the rest of the Western world remains cowering secretly on the other side, spinning fables of deceptive, cancerous hatred onto our virtue, in order to succumb us to their very stupidity, so that they may avenge us from our once, very rightly, withholding them from our unique and satisfying privileges and high code of honour and nobility. I spit on their tolerance, I recognise it for what it originally intends, the very destruction of the gifted and wise, by a mass integration and pollution of breathing room, of sick, stupid and practical/utilitarian subjects. I could go on about this abominable situation for days, the whole festival of community is being destroyed faster with every beating moment.

January 16, 2012

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I would be glad to give my friend my companionship, in anyway possible, one that is satisfying for her, as greatly as I can, if ever she lost her husband, or were somehow isolated enough so that it would be wise to find an outlet of a person, in order to vent and to express her condition, so that her existence on this world does not leave her behind, vanished into a terrible obscurity and depression, but rather brightens her mind and causes into motion all of that flowery, fluttering delicacy that I know so well from her that has a right to exist in her, to present it to others as well, that I in particular would love to see this hopeful condition of hers take flight and manifest. I will do everything that I can here back in the US to make sure that she and her thoughts, her emotion and such are directed onto the best path for her, one that suits her temperament and disposition [knowing this, she seems characteristically susceptible to succeed, to triumph and to achieve great victory over a great multitude of herd morality, ones that in her life impress a great deal of suffering on her [as well is the case for me], due to these ultimately enslaved Christian imbeciles that want every person to succumb to the very 'social liberalism' that represents their religion, when any subject of an aspiring temperament, in his right mind, couldn't possibly desire to collapse into the hand of the poisonous, everywhere suffocating enemy, we simply need breathing room, from them, from their sludge that they cunningly track in from their missions out into the strange, foreign and desirably unknown territories]. anyway, I intend very much to see her get better, as soon as she possibly can. I will help her with this as well, I will accompany her side all along her way while she finds the kind of peace of mind that she may plausibly create for herself. I love everything about her, I wish to see her in a positive condition, sufficient to her degree of happiness. I know that at the same time I am very similar to her, in the level of paranoia that we both suffer from, I think that this condition comes about from a genuine fear of the notion that we are eternal masters of our race, however, given the decadent conditions of our experience and our lifetime, this brilliance that we both exhibit is tragically reversed, that our enlightenment becomes a source of both mockery and misunderstanding to the tools of civilisation, the herd becomes 'elevated', at least insofar as political and practical conditions can physically achieve of them, to the ranks that of which we are simultaneously downgraded to, in realistic, artificial conception, therefore generating a haphazard mediocrity that in no sense represents the nature and essence of the human race, rather it leaves open the flawed possibility of all sorts and kinds of abuse from others, we become vulnerable and maligned. none of this of course is how it should be, this condition once was corrected in the better part of antiquity, therefore we know that our ideal visions are possible, however yet it is this very degenerate reality, we seem to be suffered and tormented enough all the way to our deaths, as no reversible course seems to stand open for us to take. we may be heroes to ourselves, for always refusing to surrender to the masses, yet we remain dreaming, seeing to it that our community becomes restored into the integral, dignified and noble manner that once was summoned and manifest in the golden ages and chapters of recorded history. it will likely not be possible to succeed in this vision anymore, where order and unity is preserved, thus the realistic, brutal condition gives rise to Wagnerian tragedy and such, where we, the master philosophers of universal time, find solace and potential comfort from the now very corrupt and degenerate Western world. anyway, both she and I are veritable outsiders of the commonwealths, I desire to understand her ever the more passionately, curiously, deeply, she is a character of so fine a mind and vision, we both I think are finding a sense of archetypal, timeless wisdom in each other, that we are closer to a metaphysical, Utopian paradise now then when we first began to conceive communication between each other. because of this, I see plainly that our desires are great and noble, for other like minded individuals, for ourselves. we may be solitary philosophers and thinkers in our own time, however the circumstances of our existence are set up in such a way that not always are we seemingly totally alone, we both have each other, for comfort, pleasure and immense companionship. I love her as she is my fair lady, so very much. our day, even if we may only dream of it, to deceive ourselves of it, will only get better, so long as we either succeed in our struggle entirely, or otherwise adopt a manner of perception and understanding that reevaluates and transforms our characters to the state and condition of peace and love that, physically and materialistically speaking, we could never resolve good enough to achieve, accomplish and triumph from in our values, goals, visions and dreams in our actual lifetimes. we both certainly know that I have adopted this latter strategy already, it is a method of coping with the irreversible path of civilised destruction that is occurring in our world, however I maintain the strategy merely because I, at least personally and intuitively speaking, have foreseen the once thought impossible enslavement and torment of our kind, now that it is occurring, that it will only become worse as we age, as we take upon new life forms [supposedly as such]. perhaps I think I see that she is experiencing a little bit more of that level of ongoing suffering and paranoia that I had underwent just prior to my transformation, into the renaissance era of mine that she very accurately mentions [and also as it was a deeply spiritual and pure era], therefore this is why I feel so much love for her at the moment, that perhaps I am not alone in my course of suffering, that perhaps she may have been experiencing just what I had experienced, a progressing transformation from world-oriented sanity, politics, practicality and such, into that of a more isolated [feared as such, paranoia, etc], state, where peace and salvation can only be found in this condition, by resigning from the policies, businesses, commerce and such of the world, returning to a more 'original purpose of creation', so that the true degree of peace, Utopia and golden age of culture and such rather takes place internally, individually speaking and within the mind, as otherwise, outside of this state, these dreams, values and ambitions prove instead impossible to achieve, they are recognised as such, due to the terribly corrupt and diseased condition that everything in the West [our ideal vision] has undergone. anyway, perhaps I may see too much in this kind of potential condition, I believe that I may have 'read too much' into the possible very deep meaning that Thomas Gabriel Warrior of Celtic Frost had embedded into his poetry and philosophy as well, so that this typical anticipation of mutual comprehension may be something rather regular for me, but maybe my doubt is mistaken, perhaps I see so very many similar traits in her that she evidences of me, this, in one aspect, makes me feel so glad, to know that I am not entirely alone in this perpetual struggle of mine between external and internal dimensions of my world and my fantasy. her being somewhat paranoid, in whatever way that her character demonstrates this, is a major desire for me, I simply desire her all the more [selfish I know, I thus shall abstain otherwise from such references in the context of this message], everything about her, as I related before, is ineffable, I truly cannot believe that I have found her as the person that she is. but enough of this, we possess, as I am becoming much more aware of it, both extraordinary intellects and masterful ambitions for the world, if it be in our minds or elsewhere. she is my angel-heroine, a rare sight, a hawk, a solitary monarch, a queen, a warrioress of great depth, of power and of nobility. my love for her is ineffable, I just wish to kiss her forever, if ever that were to be arranged [such a fantasy it would be for me I think]. I intend my words and thoughts to her as a gift, a reverence and companionship to her in every way possible. with everlasting, undying love and affection for her, almost virtually my other half, my eternal companion.

January 17, 2012

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here is a piece of music that I have recorded today. it is contemplative, nostalgic, imaginative, it reflects the rather mature, reasonable and peaceful state of mind that I have since come to achieve, through the means of good correspondence from special and valuable friends during the recent months [Everlasting Companion].

January 19, 2012

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I must admit that I have felt rather light headed today, it was just yesterday that I nearly fainted for some reason while I was standing up talking to my roommate, I needed to sit down while he was still talking to me, I became very pale and my vision was blacking out, I heard a very strange ringing in my ears, fortunately I was soon able to go to my room, drink some water and lie down, I gradually began to feel better after this, but have been rather tired since this curious incident. it was rather scary, I really hope that this doesn't occur again, I feel that I am prone to incidents like this occurring, as I have felt experiences similar in nature to this before. I could merely have been dehydrated, I ate some food with much grease in it earlier during the day, doing this could have been a general cause to that incident. anyway, the first of March is indeed the day that Youtube is transitioning all accounts to the sterile, bleak, mediocre design, I was just beginning to enjoy alternating the art presentation of my account too, one can see it on my page that I changed my background to that of a dark, forgotten, collapsed Pericles, it was something that I found representative of my state and condition of mind, unfortunately the website is ruining this process of artistic soul searching and unraveling psychology of identity just in time as I resurrect my interest and reconvene my ability to channel design and artistic representation.

January 19, 2012

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I don't know if this condition that I get every now and then is due to medication, or, since this experience has occurred to me a few times prior to my being on this medication, then I think it is best to believe that the medication that I am currently on is not a causal factor to this condition. I don't know where this comes from, why it happens, but I worry about it becoming worse one day, where my body might actually give in this time and finally collapse. I think this would be horrible to experience. I might need to see a doctor about this, question him what this could mean, I certainly came close to fainting this time for sure, which worries me if it ever were to happen again. but on a much brighter notice, I have returned from the college a few hours ago with a new recorded piece, 'Everlasting Companion', of which I entitled this work as a somewhat direct reference to the loving companionship that my friend and I have been experiencing between each other during the past five or so months. the music is solemn, contemplative, very similar to the Reminiscences pieces, I hope that it is enjoyed.

January 19, 2012

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indeed this piece [Everlasting Companion], as I have told my friend earlier, is a direct reference to the friendship and bond that has developed over the past few months between her and I. anyway, my health condition may require a visit to the doctor sometime soon, I will begin looking around for one.

January 20, 2012

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here is a writing done early this morning [The Edge of Solipsism]. I think that my thoughts were clear and sharp, the nature of subjectivity is discussed, with deliberating, unresolved conclusions that the possibility of other objects of my reflection being subjects of consciousness in themselves, are at all possible or not. either idea is possible, so long as it is believed in, however this condition is simply not demonstrable to others, 'objectively' speaking, therefore remains forever unresolved in the subject's spiritual lifetime.

January 22, 2012

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I feel so very fortunate as having come across my good friend's presence and experiencing her very rare and refined entity. indeed she and I are both outsiders looking in on a civilisation bent on degeneration, relaxation and morbid sterility. we express unseen knowledge and astonishing brilliance to the poor subjects that willingly place their values in such a wreck as is the current state of the West. ancient Greece, particularly during the time of Pericles and Plato, seems to represent, to me and various philosophers that I have read and gained certain knowledge from, the greatest golden age of any civilisation that the world has ever yet experienced. it seems that an ideal culture, based off of our degree, class and kind of values and morality requires at least some homage and aspiration to that place and time if men are to ever achieve a level of statehood once again that is authentic, official and legitimate in its worth and value, a good comparison to and even a preferable evolution from ancient Greece.

January 22, 2012

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I was out and about doing some errands earlier today, and something scary happened to me. I went to pick up the printed copies of my two books that I ordered at a printing company, a dozen or so miles away from my town. on my drive there, and back too, I soon came across snow on the ground, it was very icy, there were tire tracks from other cars that lessened the amount, ones that I tried to drive on. however, I slammed on my brake when I was about to turn my car but my car slid across the road, failing to respond to my brakes and the steering wheel too, my car slid diagonally into a rail guard and smashed one of my headlights. I didn't get hurt fortunately, there were two cars around that I believe did see the incident, but I continued driving, my car didn't suffer anything more than just that headlight being destroyed [I got out to check what damage had occurred when I stopped]. my car remains working just as good as before it was hit, but it was a real scary experience, I hadn't a clue that I would need snow chains for the area that I was headed into. there was this hill that I needed to go through back and forth, truly, driving down an icy hill was so very suspenseful and intense for me, I needed to go at around two or three miles per hour the whole way down, there were some areas without guard rails, there simply being ravines. however, it was a long and slow process, but fortunately I made it out of that nightmare and am back now here writing. although I need to get my headlight fixed now, sometime next month is when I'll probably do this, when I have more money. I am so thankful to be safe and secure for now, able to write here, well and with regular health.

January 23, 2012

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unfortunately my book is not published yet. these two books, The Birth of the Fool I and II, are now simply in the form of printed copies from a printing company that I have ordered from a few days ago. I have a friend that's been wanting to see them online, so I took some photos of them for her, but also posted them online for anyone to see. no ISBN or copyright or anything really. just simply a copy for me to keep, to read and to apprehend happily as though my manuscripts were truly represented in book form, which the two manuscripts basically are now, but still not published though. I am still searching for an agent. it is a long and tiring process, there is much waiting involved too. I simply need to send out more query letters to agents [well over a hundred letters have been sent out by now].

January 24, 2012

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here is a joyful ride that I filmed driving through the San Bernardino mountains of California today [An Evening Drive through the Mountains]. please enjoy this as you wish.

January 24, 2012

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I was so scared throughout that whole experience! I knew that the ice on the road would only go on for a mile or two, but every second of it went by so very slow, as indeed I needed to drive as slow as possible. the ravines weren't very deep in fact, I meant to specify this, but even so, if I did slide off into one, there would likely be considerable damage, there were homes around too, my car could have easily slid into one, heaven forbid. for now, at least as my responsibility rests with me, my books are indeed printed and bound for myself. it is known of course that I have been trying eagerly to find a sufficient book agent to send my book off to a publisher [well over a hundred query letters have been sent out by now]. it is such a tiring process, a waiting process as well, in order to finally acquire an agent. I will simply need to step it up a notch and work harder, as lately I have honestly been rather unmotivated in continuing my search, seemingly effected by the many rejection letters that I have since received, as well as from every other agent that simply doesn't respond. anyway, the printed books that I have I am pleased with, very much. the cost to do this was a little expensive, more than I imagined, but I feel that it was worth it, that if ever something were to happen to me, someone, somewhere, sometime would eventually find these books, and who knows, possibly aspire to have them posthumously published. I will take a couple pictures of them as well.

January 24, 2012

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it is true, I desire greatly to get my first book published, sometime, as though it is a life's goal of mine. I do everything that I can to preserve the book from destruction or from loss and such. the painting that is on the front cover of the first book is by Edmund Blair Leighton, the painting is entitled 'The Accolade', it is of course, as one can see, a favourite of mine, as is many of the other works that this painter has done.

January 25, 2012

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as far as composing symphonies goes, some day, indeed, I intend to do this, perhaps when I become inspired greatly enough, given a tremendous amount of energy and will power, which I find that this condition occurs to me every now and then. I do have a computer program, MuseScore, that it is a software composing program that allows almost every kind of instrument to be staffed and written, there is a playback device on the program that replays the notes that are composed on the sheet, the sound of it is unfortunately Midi and not very agreeable, but with my computer's audio manager I can find ways to experiment with the sound, to create a more legitimate and acceptable atmosphere. in fact, I began composing a string quartet a few weeks ago on this program, I meant to tell others of this, the first few bars are very emotional and tragic, just what I enjoy, wish to express and tend to feel personally, however as it is usually the case with works of this nature, I simply had burned out eventually and lost all of my inspiration to continue this piece. this is what I fear most about composing, piano music, symphonies and such. this seems to be an enormous reason why I tend to stick to improvising, as I have understood this practical situation of mine for years now, that with not nearly so much effort involved in improvising can I conceive of and create these lengthy and thorough pieces of music in comparison to the much greater effort involved in composing five minutes worth of written music. the only drawback that I find with this synthesis is that the improvisations, the overall melodic structure, the chord modulations and such, may suffer a bit in comparison to the more well thought out and premeditated constructions of written music. I simply accept this drawback of less quality improvisations, rather than writing music, and intend to practice, experiment and execute improvised music to the best degree that I can possibly exhibit, one that I continue to aspire to, ever evolving the quality of the music and likely eventually surpassing the grade of some potential composition music as well. thus improvisation over composition remains preferable for me. however, it is of course impossible to improvise symphonic music with orchestras, therefore the specter of returning to composition one day, to symphonic composition that is, remains luminescent. I know that when I am asked questions that concern my youth, my past, my historical experience and such, I immediately recognise the immense difficulty and responsibility it would be to represent accurately and with better precision just what it is that has exactly happened to me, what is happening and what will happen to me and such. anyway, my mother was indefinitely more classically oriented than my father. I understand that my father represents sculpture, architecture, practicality, reality, objectivity in itself and such, whereas my mother represents artistry, painting, music, theory, idealism, subjectivity and so on, these diametrical traits within the two of them seem natural and reasonable to me, they are both highly intelligent and morally respectable in their distinct ways, my mother was the person indeed who introduced me to the musical realm of the piano when I was young, around my age of six. I aspired greatly to become a concert pianist when I was younger, prior most certainly to August of 2006, when it was during this month that my vision of success began to fall apart and thus I slowly accepted defeat, that I was likely to fail in this lifetime, at least insofar as my earlier, more practical concert pianist ambitions were concerned. nowadays, after a long, mysterious, obscure and vague journey I think now that I am finding more gradual amounts of success in this subjective sphere of my world, in different ways from what I had been so long ago tending to express [success that is in writing, history, philosophy, music, at least this latter in extent to the personal and intimate satisfaction that I acquire and comprehend from it].

January 27, 2012

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indeed, as Megan is concerned in relation to my book, I remember the two of us sitting down on her bed every now and then, where I had finally decided it to be best to read the book to her aloud, from start to finish, in order to form for her a better understanding of my thoughts, ideas and philosophy. we made it pretty far too, several hundred pages into it, before we eventually stopped for some peculiar reason and didn't pick up that practice anymore. I read into the book the most fundamental portions to her fortunately, therefore I feel that she had acquired the core of my philosophy before we had inevitably stopped reading it. anyway, The Birth of the Fool I is nearly totally perfect in its intended design, structure, form and such, as though it were all ready to be sent off to a publisher. it is not completely perfect in its punctuation however, I am currently still skimming through the pages, fixing various capitalisations and such.

January 28, 2012

1.22.2012 [The Edge of Solipsism]

2012-01-22T03:42:00.000-08:00

deception of intellectual subjectivity. abstraction from the multitude, when not even present to it. inevitable determination of rational/empirical character. representation of visibility. observation from matter. beyond the means of eternal resolution. an everlasting disgrace. knowledge of perpetual recurrence. the desire to deny. the fear of universal humiliation. potential of prior hatred. symbolism of demonstration, appearance, presentation. keys of the priest, of wisdom, of brilliance. an endless educator of the human condition. tools of demonstration widely comprehended. exhibition of forgotten truth. always faithful to the supreme. wilder and faster, stronger and madder. denial of any further positivity. the perfect pronunciation of absolute liberation. perhaps something too radical for immortal certainty. observation of man's reason within motion. curiosity of objective perception. return to the soul. somehow not knowing the same. fear of potential character assassination. the commencement of dubiety. eyes seeing beyond known walls. reason rightly the necessity to remove the subject from bright lights and thoughts into the shadows and veils of death, resignation and tragic unseen obscurity. for the purpose of understanding the human condition more completely. losing composure, casting flesh, the recognition of impossible confusion dawns. intuition of the insane. sensations of love, the purity of existence. reevaluation of historical ideology. broadening of the aristocratic spectrum. exile and reestablishment of form in brutal, empty, real dimension. found half dead in the middle of nowhere. brought home to sanctuary, the nourishment of a reborn spirit. the time of recovery endures. education of a civil state, to stark, primitive ways. appearance to the meek citizen the experience of an absolute phenomenology. further still, the determined priest remains. gradually, though with certainty, the deposed emperor eventually succeeds. now ascended onto the throne of imperial sapphires. heralds bestow the funeral memory before fleets of subjectivity. the supreme evaluation lies ever still. sequences of preserved time. a positive maintenance of philosophical clarity. intuitive, symbolic, artistic, yet deep. for the most part unknown, yet richly confused with eternal truth. that absolute epistemology falls, no matter the circumstance [the best circumstance experienced by me]. time succeeds. deep knowledge, brought about from tragic experience, continues to manifest. ever the more solitary, a disapproval of social communication. for tragic knowledge introduced incessant moments of base reorganisation and ontological conclusion of dull character. misunderstood and perceived forever wrongly by others. an immediate desire to shun the likely possibility of negative judgement and scornful derision from everyone. the return to sanctuary, forever shut away from conscious eyes. the eternal pain and maleficent torment produced by the habitual character of stationary existence and ontological hatred. anvils of Lucifer, total death, tyranny from above. memories of the eternal past. deliberation between good and evil. a negative conclusion. despair of context. the reality of existence fails. set up and reestablished theoretical perception and methodological knowledge. that existence itself is false, no more than a painful lie. the notion of God, beyond matter, manifests. that he conceives of my burden. all extended representation of matter soon becomes objectivity of my reflection. voracious indulgence into philosophic texts. striven tirelessly to comprehend whatever is happening. sensations become shallow, depth is denied. everything returns to the original purpose and source of creation. theories of the absolute idea. the threshold of matter contains no further than the phenomenon of my very brain. no representation as whatever it seems to be. eventually, the mystery of God becomes unraveled, understood more clearly. that I am a manifest objectification of him, at one moment conscious of my condition, at another deceased. however, death is never eternal, neither is matter perishable, therefore I venture my immediate rebirth and conception as another manifest objectification of him, whatever the subject of consciousness may it be, in this life of mine or the next. eventually, the despair of solipsism [of mind and matter as only/mere representation], follows with the beautiful dawn and recognition of will within objects as well. somehow, everything, down to the tiniest particle of atomic nucleation, up to the vastest and most extensive comprehension of the universal dimension, as well as the consideration of more ordinary objects, such as a particular man or beast, that these all contain a conscious life of subjectivity, in some mysterious way, perhaps some subjects of consciousness merely sense through means of tactfulness [minerals and atoms], wherein other subjects sense with more given attributes [with five or so senses, as is the case with man, with most other commonly referred to living organisms, and probably vaster objects such as stars and planets and such within the universe]. the nature of subjectivity concludes with the knowledge of not only matter existing as representation for the subject alone [wherein all matter exists as ideal reflection for a singular subject], but as will as well [wherein it is just the case listed above, however the singular subject also recognises that all subjectivity, that is, all other singular subjects, exist in abstract correlation, cross reference and communication between each other. they are independent of each other, insofar as the conscious subjects are not willing themselves or having themselves desired into the lordship and bondage of universal/material dialectic]. however, everything appears to each other still determinately, with right reason and right cause, as every subject of consciousness is no more than an affirmation and denial of itself, therefore they are still subjects of determination, it is also clarified that every object of matter conceivable is in some way a subject of consciousness, and because a subject of consciousness is no more than an affirmation and denial of itself [a determination of will], then it appears that the doctrine of lordship and bondage of universal/material dialectic remains upheld, supported and truthful. nothing remains eternal.

January 22, 2012

1.13.2012 [The Immediacy of Perception]

2012-01-13T21:17:00.000-08:00

I have created for myself an unsurpassable system of rigidity. there is now a necessity to understand what exactly has happened, what is happening, what will, in essence, where all the questions of time desire their resolution. I am lost so deep in the dark realms of unknowable matter, what is truly not here, however I wish it to be, otherwise the shrouds of loneliness blanket my substance almost completely. knowing that this search for what is not here is inevitably futile to preserve, I understand logically to judge it as a mere human error and mistake, to perceive beyond my senses in a world constructed by a complicated will, that a return to truth consists in the notion of abstaining from what is false, deep, illusory, deceptive, I recognise my condition for what it is, deconstructing my senses from what they have been conditioned to recognise, 'returning to the original purpose of creation'. clearer abstraction results, I can see now eye to eye with every object before me, without irrationally losing my connection and concentration on the object of my focus and meditation. of course, this state of intellect does not assume commandment over the objects of my reflection, rather my intellect magnifies and apprehends through representation what is captured before me through the means of my perception. abstraction, reason, internal communication remains present, when I use this particular force I do so to remember some idea, to imagine possible scenarios, to fantasize what is desirable, or at least what is thought of in a subjective manner. I desire not to lay to death my life and its once ambitious promises. I recognise that the threshold of matter that I uphold and represent is unmistakably limited, that only precisely this position that I know myself to be in, at this certain time that I apprehend, with these various objects that I sense, is about as much of existence as I can comprehend. however, everything appears to change at every moment, therefore this comprehension of existence transforms eternally, so long as there is a willing subject to uphold this systematic mechanism. how is everything changing? how did I lose control over it? rather, how did everything begin to change? from prior observations made into the nature of the matter of the universe, there was drawn a dubious conclusion that the universe expands and compresses eternally. perhaps the universe is not eternal, that a greater power summoned and manifested its cosmic spirit into its condition at a given point in time. Parmenides seems evidently right in denying the notion of motion in the universe. however, it is deniable legitimately and fairly only from an objective perspective, that is, from the perspective of the outer spirit, or of God. it seems that every word and train of thought contains ideas in them that can be perceived in distinguishable ways, I see here that when I utilise the idea of 'outer spirit', an 'objective perspective', thus ultimately associating these concepts with 'God', I understand more clearly another mystery of existence being resolved, that the nature of the will is not so tremendous and amazing after all, that from here I can see that since an outer spirit is now made positive, an 'objective perspective', which represents in another sense 'God', that this circumference of objects, persons, animals, etc, represents this notion, that what follows is that this notion is absolute, unwavering and stationary, that it perceives something [that is, me], rigidly and without flux, that this actuality simply proclaims more clearly the reference that everything 'around' me is merely a dream, within my will, or upheld by 'a' will, empty of substance, for this objective perspective is now demonstrated impossible to perceive anything, or something [that is, me], without remaining spectral, absolute, frozen, bleak and illusory. I argue that this outer spirit contains no substance, no content, regardless if it seems that other subjects of consciousness are in pain, bleeding, etc, I truly cannot feel what they are feeling, likewise I become ever the more grounded in my conclusion that everything of 'outer origin' is mere fantastic delusion, brought upon by extremely incoherent, or at least obscure and complicated, means. I will to love my objects of creation merely to love myself, otherwise MY pain [which seems to be the only pain that exists], becomes increased. I make the observation that not all of this theory may be true, as what is being dealt with here is far beyond possible to fully comprehend and to resolve, however I notice that, giving in a little to the other side of the spectrum, that, as it is known that, due to the dream like nature of existence itself, that everything instead exists as material for a subject to apprehend as symbols, as references to ideas that occur before him [I do not assert that this claim is universally true for others], however, it is that I notice, upon myself walking through a marketplace, I occasionally make the observation of a fool, that he is speaking too loudly, or acting awkwardly, and that, given the right time in accordance with my entrance into his perceptible domain, I see that I myself am applied symbolically to the possible dialectic that is ensuing in this external subject's life, it leaves me wondering afterward, that this case is not the same for everyone, that this occurrence is in fact rare, that I remember it afterward when it occurs, if others are alive with actual subjective consciousness, just how many of them there are, bestowed with this condition, or rather, is this observation again merely a deception of the will, attempting to confuse me into believing that this other person is in fact alive and conscious, this condition does not happen so often at all. with every other individual, or with every other social communication that I witness, the symbolism is rather reversed, in that I perceive everything that I sense 'around' me symbolically and with subjective meaning, these other objects, or potential subjects of consciousness, simply do not seem to make much of this situation. what exactly is happening? how did I come about? these questions continue to persist anyways. in order to resolve them, I simply reply that I never came about at all, that nothing is happening whatsoever, again the notion in reference to this will as no more than a dream. I recognise the possibility of an ineffable master creating my existence, however each time that I make reference to this idea, 'God', 'master', 'Lord', 'creator', I slowly and with more certainty begin to categorise with these concepts together the concepts of 'I', 'myself', 'man', 'subject of consciousness', 'will'. for I have come to recognise the absolute nature of everything of my existence, that every abstraction without my senses [intellectual reasoning included] denotes falsity, deception, delusion and mistake, it is a dream, it is simply not there, it cannot be proven assuredly, however it is likely not existing either, as any abstraction out of the senses really signifies only mental reasoning, not in fact a fuller actualisation of whatever objects from the will's reflection. to make the matter at hand seem even more bleaker to me, the notion that every object is independent of my will must necessarily be uprooted and recognised for what it is, as yet another form of falseness, deception, delusion and a lie. for whatever I sense [with my eyes, ears, body, etc], within the threshold of matter, every object perceived is immediately certain, connected to me and apart of me, as though it were stuck to my body, that if I were to propel myself through the air, without support from a ground or any earthy object, the air itself, as a form of the will, continues to enervate through me [air is similar to water in this case, as though every movement of the body above water were still 'in a sense' submerged beneath it, as it were in water]. objects of harder rigidity are more evidently comprehensible of their connection and association with the body. of course, it is more evident when touched, that this object is sensed by the subject and seemingly at that moment connected to the body of the subject, however even upon the mere sight of an object [air does not seem to support this argument, insofar as perception is understood], the object appears and is sensed immediately and directly by the eyes, however of course it seems to be this way too, although even further than this is the position that what is directly seen by the eyes is in fact being summoned deeper in the head, more than probably from the center of the brain. but at one point of transition, a subject once believed that the objective representation that he was perceiving was being perceived from a distance, say a table from a few yards before him, soon he begins to understand more correctly [although not perfectly] that this table is not in fact a few yards in front of him [let us say that he is merely seeing this object, not touching it and such], but instead it is now rather immediately and directly perceived from the retina of his eyes, that, as explained above, air, insofar as it is desired to be perceived of, is not in fact perceivable, so long as it is clear and invisible to the naked eye [it remains a substance more of the time to the sense of flesh, rather than to vision. science may make the claim that the air, as clear and invisible, remains existing, as some particular chemical, hydrogen and oxygen and such names that they give it, however I attempt to refute this assertion in that air, that is 'to be perceived', that is clear and invisible is not an a priori possible observation by a subject, that instead this particular clear and invisible air must become learned about and studied through a posteriori means, by experience, even if a subject swiftly understands that he is breathing some kind of substance, or feels a substance by swiping his hand about, rather it is here in these given conditions that air makes itself manifest, a wind chill evokes the representation of air, a chemical combustion as well, however during instances of stagnation, when air in portions of the subject's senses remains invisible [included in the subject's apprehension of it through the means of the faculty of reason], it merely subsides and vanishes into nothingness], the immediacy of the table, found directly in the subject's eyes remains demonstrable. however, he soon goes further in his desire to understand this position, in that he inquires to himself how it is at all possible that an object merely appears directly at the retina of the eyes, when as well he touches it, it appears felt through the means of his hands, shouldn't the object rather have an original source to its appearance? certainly there must be a singular, absolute source, now that we have canceled out the assertion that the threshold of matter is somehow external to the subject's senses. our subject soon concludes that there is indeed a singular source somewhere, and that it must reside within him, within his soul. but where exactly is this soul located at? he searches tirelessly for a better resolution, however fails at every one of his ideas, that perhaps at the heart is the seat of the soul [this fails as the heart by no means can be wise enough and intelligent enough to produce the multitude of complexities that bear the representation of his will], the body in itself, in total is judged negatively [for all 'external' positions of the body merely designate flesh, which classifies to one particular sense, the sense of touch and feeling, every other portion of the body is determined erroneous, merely for the same reason as given from the heart]. at last, he can ultimately determine that the center of the source to the immediacy of his perceptions, cognitions, representations, and will, is in fact the brain, that it is evidently here for any significant amount of damage to the core of it immediately affects the certainty and clarity of his sensations, that the blood from the heart is flowed through the brain in order to supply with it oxygen, however it is the brain that is commanding the heart to pump and venture the blood through the system of the subject's body, as well it becomes clear that every sensation perceived by the will, whether it be of the eyes, ears, nose or body itself [that is, of the flesh], is in fact ultimately and at once originating from and being produced from the will and power that is the brain [or at least, from the center of it, or from various portions that produce various circumstances from 'without' the body of the subject]. in any event, the body of the subject, at least from the standpoint of the subject himself, seems to move, however we remember that every object that he wills is in fact apart of him, 'stuck' to him in a sense, so that he cannot escape from his threshold [it is understood also, to make this matter clearer, that dreamless sleep is of a moment's experience, whereas waking and dreaming continue their means to apply bondage to the subject's meditation in time, that during these waking and dreaming states, objects appear to his senses, he remains fixed to his threshold of matter almost continually].

January 13, 2012

1.13.2012 [Joyous Monster]

2012-01-13T21:16:00.000-08:00

I scourge all question of the soul. chain of power I chant execution. hold tight the will of my spirit. absolute commandment from the throne of stone. fall not into visions of the unknown. all I see is all I know. head attachment straight onto the neck bones. I live the realm of your fantasy. the spinner of fables, I stand upon your foundation, wicked to your mild stock and to your plastic herd. the restriction of estrangement. discipline from failure to resolve. the destroyer of dubious reflection. proclamation of empirical certainty. measurement of geometrical perfection, resurrected by the domain of the spirit. psychological unification with perceptible, objectified matter. denial of the will's abolition. for the soaring intellect requires of it. all deeds of liberty as mere mistakes to effect the course and inevitable direction of the intelligible character. the negation of softness, for all matter as positive, enclosed, striving to satisfy and to secure itself from unlikeness and spatial limitation. the credit of creation, a stationary threshold after all.

January 13, 2012

1.6.2012 [On the Dubious Nature of Spirit]

2012-01-06T11:54:00.000-08:00

all direction in space seems to fluctuate eternally, that the matter of the will at one point expands and projects from the center of the universe, then at another reciprocates its motion in return, to drive and gravitate toward the center of the universe in a climactic collapse. this of course does not exclude the possibility of the matter at hand recommencing its expansion and return, as it seems instead a cycle that does not begin, neither end. now, everything, all matter and motion that is included within one period of the cycle, one expansion and collapse, evidently succeeds accordingly of its duty and determination, the cosmos conceives, fluctuates, returns to the core of the will in one sequence. there is in fact another succession that occurs after it, as there is one before it, this is in reference to the cycle of the universe that generates and destroys, likely eternally. there, within one sequence of the cycle, as it is evidently known and observable by human will, exists a phenomenon that is considerably alive, conscious and reasonably endowed. this is provable merely by abstraction into the soul, made confirmed by observation of matter surrounding the subject, that it in fact exists, as 'I' sense it indubitably of my own reflection. the notion of other men, beasts and such within this threshold of matter existing with that life, consciousness and reason given above, after attempting to myself to prove these other 'spirits' as existing with these faculties and cognition, it rather becomes very difficult to get very far in my demonstration, I simply cannot place myself within another person's soul in order to objectify the validity and reality of their existence, that instead the individual consciousness of another subject within my realm and threshold of matter becomes dubious, I resort to dismissing such potential and actuality, unfortunately, as erroneous, untrue and illusory. this condition is more easily recognised by the fact that I, as one abstraction of the will, may really appear as the only abstraction of the will, at least during the waking moment that I am alive. this seems so for all reflective phenomena perceived by my senses simply do not objectify themselves in a first person perspective, insofar as that perspective were ever to represent me as the only conscious subject. the objects that exist beyond the recognition of my senses, that do not objectify themselves in accordance with my representation, likely cease to manifest their existence, so long as I continue not to will them. the possibility of a singular remote galaxy, 'many light years away' from my cognition, one that I simply do not ever think about in the train and consequence of my fantasy and imagination, will not objectify with my will, nor will it likely become conceived. as such, I know, alone, that I am alive at this given moment, in this given position in space, however, insofar as I continue willing as this conscious subject, all that I reflect from elsewhere remains seemingly illusory and deceptive. this is the likeliest perspective to uphold, as every object that exists positively in the threshold of matter is likely empty of substance, so long as this substance is not at first hand known. now, it seems more understandable that, for one thing, as I recognise the notion that my corporeal form will eventually give away and 'die' one day, or perish of its individual consciousness, rather perhaps the will goes on willing, as it is likely immortal, for the threshold of matter, as noted above, seemingly does not cease to generate and destroy itself. as the will of the universe preserves its operative functioning, it becomes ever the more likely that somehow every object of so-called 'consciousness', ones that uphold dubious demonstrative possibility to me, yet that this knowledge is simply not knowable, however it still exists possible of their life and 'first person perspective', that every object exists simultaneously to the perception and recognition of the will, however at this point and at this position, the will simply objectifies the consciousness of me, and when my corporeal form of consciousness perishes, the will continues to perceive first hand every remaining object that either affirmatively or negatively proclaims and manifests its consciousness. this condition proceeds eternally, insofar as reference is made to this particular sequence of the universe's cycle of current generation and destruction [the direction of substance is likely continuing to expand at this point in time, however, as it is demonstrable by the method of science, there will eventually commence a turn around of direction, thus the period of climactic collapse begins, soon, necessarily, destroying the objectification of the earth, along with every solar system, planet and galaxy. the universe rests in an absolute condensation of matter, for an unfathomable amount of 'time', then with the building of energy, drawn from the tremendous desire of the will to create, the universe recommences its cycle, beginning with a progenitive expansion, complete with the most brilliant of fire and lively resource, the eventual procession of creation deposits various [although an enormous multitude] of galaxies, stars, planets and such], it is here at this point that a mystery becomes unraveled, that with this recommenced, multiple creation of objects within the threshold of matter, perhaps some sequences of the cycle deposit the necessary condition to generate conscious, cognitive, knowing life, and some sequences not. it seems likely that not every sequence produces the same objectification and pattern of will [as though the notion of 'eternal recurrence' proves positively, only insofar as the basic principle of the universe expanding and compressing is withheld]. within the recognition of one particular sequence of the universal cycle, that is, within the sequence that it is at present and currently apart of, the necessary ground work has become built upon well enough and established well enough so that various objects of life upon this particular world, known to man as earth, have become conceived, reared and maintained, that certain various objects of life, in particular, man, is well enough endowed with consciousness and reason, so that abstraction into the nature of the will can become achieved, he knows that he is apart of a very grand, and complicated, scheme. he knows that his time on this earth is not eternal, neither his own individual life or of man's in general, therefore he is aware that he is determined to perish, regardless of whatever effort he assumes to make, the will of the universe is merely too powerful for him to manipulate or to intervene. the will of the universe is bound to necessity, it is likely conscious of itself, as all and every object within the threshold of matter likely contains consciousness [as evidently clarified above]. this will represents God, and he himself, as if possibly manifest beyond this universe, is unknowable, that no faithful abstraction of him can likely be made legitimately known by any man. however, the will of the universe represents the will of God, the intellect of him, his thoughts and such. be this as it may, insofar as he wills this universe, the universe itself still remains bound by the law of causality, that is, no action proceeds without an earlier cause. the universe is evidently absolute [that is, limited in its condition], as well it seems timeless and everlasting, that the will of God forever wills, thinks, reasons and such of this universal matter. perhaps at one point in his time he did summon the threshold of the universal matter into being, that the cycle of the universe's creation and destruction is not eternal, therefore if it began initially during some point in time, then it is possible for it to vanish eventually, during some point in time. it is possible that God did this as such for various reasons, either comprehensible to man or unknowable, one theory that I can assert is that he was possibly bored or lonesome and thus desired some affection and pleasure. from here, it seems evident that God is subject to passions, that if he were to create a threshold of matter [God's crystal ball, or eye, of reflection], time must exist for him, space must exist, causality as well [as with the notion that God created the universe at one point in time, it follows that a cause has been suggested, thus an effect must be carried through, eventually, which would be the ultimate destruction and annihilation of the threshold of the universal matter, that God himself, being beyond this threshold of matter, likely remains causeless]. from here it seems that God is rather very human, that he is close in image and representation to our very own spirits. if God were so very human, then it must be allowed that he longs to associate himself with and relate with himself the will and representation of human organisms, their spirit and their matter, that humanity, by necessity of God's will to pleasure himself with men, must be eternally recurring in some way, that the process of human life is not so limited or bound to eternally perish. as it seems now that God wills the representation of the universe in order to correlate and unite himself with the likeness of man [for he seems desirous of relative companionship], it seems probable that somehow the objectification of man never truly perishes from God's reflection, that, as it is still upheld that the cycle of the universe reforms differently from sequence to sequence, somehow man, or organisms similar to man, eventually spring up during every recreation and maintenance of the universe's cycle of objectivity of matter [it must be held that objects of consciousness necessarily manifest after incredible lengths of time have succeeded in the recreation of the universe, however perhaps during these times of unconscious life God manifests and occupies himself with primordial elements of matter and substance]. I, as one individual consciousness, exist within that 'first person perspective', in unity with God's universal will, everything is bound to appear at their designated moments of time, in their designated positions of space, in dialectical correlation to that specific 'I', as it is that I exist in particular, or as it were of other subjects of consciousness [if this latter is at all possible to demonstrate]. however, it is likely that other objects of supposed 'consciousness' do in fact contain this 'first person perspective' and subjective consciousness, however they are merely devoid of substance insofar as they relate to me. I am likely devoid of substance insofar as another object relates me to it, however in the grand scheme of things every object either is devoid of substance entirely, or is conceived of substance [that is, subjective apprehension], but it is likely that every object or subject is devoid of this substance, that this substance is taken to be as a dream, a thought, a mere reflection of God, as he causes this threshold of matter, or cyclical universe, into being, out of desire and will to manifest and occupy himself with subjects, in order to negate the boredom, loneliness or whatever condition of pain that ails him from the beyond. as it is understood that the will of the universe is likely entirely devoid of what is termed 'subjective apprehension', an important question is of course to be immediately conceived, one which contends to the nature of pain and pleasure, that 'I feel pain upon this experience' or 'pleasure upon that experience'. can it be denied that other objects, mere reflections of my senses, are experiencing pain and pleasure? possibly, yet again, it is unknowable to a single individual subject. however, I myself can attest to the theory that pain and pleasure can be felt by me, as I may prick my finger with a pin or listen to beautiful music [I know these examples are blatant, however they are sufficient enough with their absolute certainty], but again, as I take into consideration the notion that the will of the universe appears rightly as a dream, a scheme of God in order to satiate himself with subjective pleasure, it becomes understandable that my pain and pleasure are mere motives to affirm my will [with pleasure], or to deny it [with pain], that it is understood as undesirable to negate myself and therefore desirable to affirm me. is this theory of nature desirable to affirm in itself? how terrible the condition it is of the suffering of other men, that in their spirit they consistently desire to transcend the primitive nature of the world [at least those individuals or communities that desire much with their better intellect to transcend]. as it is noted that God himself [that is, beyond the threshold of the universal matter, or substance], is subject to passions, feelings, subjectivity, pain and pleasure, that he creates men positively in his like image, perhaps the substance of the universe itself rightly feels passion, that the feeling of pain and pleasure of any object in the universe cannot be denied, as these objects are both the will and representation of the transcendental God. again, it seems possible now to affirm the validity and actuality of other spirits, that their intellect contains a varying degree of consciousness, thus not only I alone am thought to exist when this philosophy is thought through more completely. however, what if this entire train of thought is merely conceived by the will of God in order to confuse me as an individual, as a 'brain in a vat' subject? as I understand this theory more completely, the condition of knowing others through the means of their perspective in themselves is ultimately undemonstrative, however mere references to the notion of their subjects actually existing in a state of consciousness at first hand can be conceived, only insofar as I abstract of them through the means of reason and imagination. this futile condition of not knowing whether others exist independently of the individual knowing subject is similar to Descartes' understanding of cogito ergo sum, as though that what can ultimately be so far discovered is only what I think, as what I exist as. nevertheless, as it is demonstrated above, that upon the perishing of the individual knowing subject, it is likely that the will of the universe continues to perceive and to succeed, that with the individual perishing, only a thousand [or however many] persevering subjects of consciousness simultaneously remain perceived and upheld by the will of the universe, in a state and condition of individual knowing subject and sensitively perceived objects. the subject perishes accordingly, the will's perception of the multitude of objects continues to exist and at once preserves the conception of subjects of individual knowing. man is created and destroyed, God [as universal matter] is created and destroyed, God [as transcendental deity] preserves the universal matter, insofar as he wills it necessary and desirable, God and man [or objects similar in relation to him] communicate in relative harmony with one another, as necessary and desirable will and representation.

January 6, 2012

1.4.2012 [Letters of Interest V]

2012-01-04T04:11:00.000-08:00

some additional correspondence is presented here, done between two good friends [Letters of Interest IV].

December 2, 2011

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there is so much reference in my philosophy to the solace and comfort someone would find in embracing death and ending life eternally. Schopenhauer expounds his philosophy with his ultimate and total aim being absolute death, or annihilation of the will, completely, that is, with not any further regeneration of subjective substance. he believes that doing this can become achieved through the means of great art and meditation, work that consists in raising the subject to the form of will-less knowing, I think with Wagner's works this state can become achieved in a subject to the most lasting degree, however one must savour this feeling, otherwise even Wagner's artworks will become sterile, thus leave a very empty, lost and failed feeling, something that should be avoided totally if one is going to achieve that very rest and dreamless sleep that he tends to desire, every now and then, or for most of the time. I understand the deeply engraved manipulation and distortion of truth that has occurred as the result of the Allied victory during the second great war, all morality and ethical comprehension has shifted toward the worst and most wretched kind of Christian liberalism, simply for the memory of the atrocity carried through during the two world wars was so immense and seemingly left the general society of the West in a stupid state of tearful mercy, toward the villains of the state especially, as the Westerners simply did not want to experience another catastrophe as had occurred so imminently and surrealistically during the 1940's. weakness of the will is leading to a dreadful, unseen consequence, likely to conceive something a thousand times worse than even the great wars that were experienced in the past. how ironic this condition truly is. Wagner will likely always have me in his grip indeed, I am glad of this as I know Liszt could not compare in his magnitude and greatness as a composer or a man of letters, the depth of Wagner towers over the unfortunately shallow appoggiaturas of Liszt's manic fingers. the master remains enthroned, truly and lastingly in my effective life.

December 4, 2011

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here is a good piece recorded today at the local college [Reminiscences of My Father]. it is very personal, reflective, and intimate. I feel that the various theories that I approach my music with these days have created for myself a much better, more refined and maturely developed approach to improvising. I will do this again soon.

December 6, 2011

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Schopenhauer in fact was a very faithful believer in reincarnation. the fourth book of his World as Will and Representation devotes a few very convincing and mind altering chapters to the proof and demonstration of this subject, the very source that converted me to the present convictions that I hold in regard to this doctrine of knowledge. that everything in this world represents one will, therefore all experience inevitably and eventually becomes every waking phenomena, in a first person perspective, over time. he goes on to remind the reader that 'thou art that', 'tat tvam asi'. Nietzsche's eternal recurrence seems, from what I can understand, to be a little more despairing than Schopenhauer's regeneration, in that Nietzsche believes that the life of a particular subject is determined to repeat itself eternally, that this goes the same for every conscious spirit, in their respectable perspectives, deja vu plays an important concept in this, demonstrating the possible reality of this theory. it is so great a mystery, that these two philosophers seem to represent two totally and diametrically opposed visions of thought, yet however both of them appear to be so legitimate and likely. anyway, I am in total agreement in regard to the after effects that the West has experienced following the climax of the second great war. when I view films of the Third Reich in a faithful representation, I see very clearly the kind of Golden Age that it is referred to, everything seemed so alive at this time. especially when perceiving the various streets with miscellaneous people walking about, swastika blood banners gracing the canopy of buildings, cars busily scuttling about. everything has become rather so much worse now that the delusional Allies have converted the remainder of the Western world to the foundation and establishment of their very poisonous and libertarian principles. the investment in gold, tying this in together with far right principles is a strange but new idea to me. perhaps it would be wise to collect this substance and display it for various 'astronauts' if ever they were to return to the earth and demand it in a large sum. I find this theory interesting and thought provoking as well.

December 7, 2011

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every living subject ultimately experiences the life of one another, that the will manifests in a first person perspective for every living subject, be it man, woman, bird, beast, insect, fish, rock, therefore the famous quote that Schopenhauer magnifies, 'thou art that', finally holds truth and legitimacy in its meaning.

December 9, 2011

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I was out today and able to record a full piece at the college [Reminiscences of My Mother], I am preparing it right now for the internet. I was doing some errands when it finally began snowing rather heavily. I made it back in time before the roads became unsafe to drive in. but it is so beautiful at the moment! the whole ground outside of my window is covered in cold white ice, the holiday music at the shops I had been at really added to the effect of my first true white Christmas. everyone in the stores seemed cheerful and happy, I think that this kind of condition creates a more joyful community for others, especially in the intimate mountain town that I reside in.

December 12, 2011

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here is a good piece that I have recorded today [Reminiscences of My Mother]. this set is very powerful, confident, as well it is very intimate and deeply reflective. I believe that my works are within a mature state by now, I no longer need to declare musical concepts in homage to Wagner and the like anymore. the music is full of spiritual substance, creative beauty and original purity. I made it back home just in time before the weather began snowing rather heavily. it is very atmospheric here right now, a true wintry wonderland. I will complete my set of reminiscences sometime later this week.

December 12, 2011

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I have difficulty most of the time imagining what various other people think and imagine of my playing, this goes the same for what they perceive of my writing as well, I try listening to my music while 'stepping out of my shoes' and forming my identity into a stranger or simply a subject's first time impression, sometimes I am successful in doing this, when I am so, I observe quite a powerful impression of my art, very dark, deep and personal, especially as it goes for my more poetic writings. as it goes for my music I can see a lot of intelligence, originality, strangeness and eccentricity, beauty and purity, as well as power, certainty and confidence. I think that these traits are endowed with moderation, therefore I feel safe and secure in the notion that these works are not to be criticised too harshly for excessive connotations toward too much power, depth, or disharmony and such. much of the time spent early on in the beginning of my latest piece [Reminiscences of My Mother] was that of me warming up to the piano, I preserve this behaviour even in my other recordings, even in a piece such as my mother's reminiscences, where I would imagine in fact much love, wishfulness and comfort, rather than anger as it might be mistaken, but that I do this simply because I am shamelessly a great improviser, thus I sit down at the piano and play music, recording directly from the moment, exactly as to how I feel [I do not need much preliminary practice anymore to do this ahead of time, I have played the piano enough for the majority of my whole life], I desire to show even my improvement on the instrument, as I become further inspired and motivated toward stronger passion. I try doing this with moderation, again, however I remain holding onto just some parts of this practice, for reasons of thoroughness and completion. the piece itself, my mother's reminiscences, I actually imagined, as I inferred before, to be warm, placid, loving and caring, representative of the time that I knew of my mother before such calamity and catastrophe had occurred during my onset of adolescence [this is as far as it goes as I imagine the piece to be representative of my mother through personal experience]. however, the piece turned out, coincidentally, to contain some angry sounding elements, merely because the musical ideas were produced as I found them necessary, lost in the magic of the moment, while they bore very little to the conception and idea of the song's title and inherent meaning [that is, of reminiscences of my mother]. I make much effort later on in the piece, while I become more warmed up, to return with faith to portraying the song along the lines of what I originally intended it to represent, that is, of good, long lost memories and fantasies of my mother [one that is, for the most part, of the timeless sense, not totally of my mother in my personal experience]. actually, I do write music in fact, I did this very much during my early youth, my high school years, and during my first year or so of college, before I took to improvising full time and recording with that kind of music. the music that I did early on in my youth was rather illogical, unorthodox and silly as I remember it, full of genuine, intelligent aspirations and originality, however simply not fully comprehensive of the rules and common laws of legitimate music. the music of my high school years and early college was beautiful as I remember it, in fact, there was very fresh inspiration from Liszt and Wagner at this time, I composed during class time, I shared my compositions with my friends, the music itself was very passionate, indebted greatly to Liszt's Hungarian Rhapsodies. I was playing this music all the time, at home, at the band room's piano in front of others. Wagner's Lohengrin, this being the first full length opera of his that I had listened to, was highly decisive in the influence and direction of my maturing compositions. I remember composing pieces that were twenty, thirty pages in length. I believe that I still have some of them stored away somewhere. I've intended to find them, put them together and record them, to put the music onto the internet for others to see. there is nothing stopping me from doing this either. the possibility of me eventually recording this music is very likely, I may do this sometime during the beginning of the next year, when the college semester opens its doors once again, where I can return to one of the practice rooms that has a piano available for me to play on. there were strange and highly original 'Arabic Rhapsodies' that I composed, two of them I believe that I was able to complete during my high school years. the melodies sounded very middle Eastern [Liszt's Hungarian Rhapsodies of course were the prominent direction and influence to this]. I remember checking out some Indian/Hindu music books at the library, studying the various modes and scales that the music of the near and far East would employ. this was a very strange experience, yet lovable as I remember it. in the piano class that I was apart of during my senior year in high school I would perform for the class my latest compositions, I remember actually scaring a few girls from how foreign and unfamiliar some of the music was from my first Arabic Rhapsody, especially the beginning of it. I loved that class, there were perhaps two other people apart of it that played the piano with some amount of experience, all of the twenty-five/thirty others from what I remember were beginners, and there was I, performing these Rachmaninoff Concertos and Liszt Etudes every other day to the astonishment and amazement of the class. I was in my prime during these days, of late 2004 to early 2005. after around August of 2006 is when everything either 'went down hill' or 'transformed my character religiously and intelligibly' to far greater heights, whether it be the former or the latter I do not decide, however I tend to want to agree with the latter. some day I believe I will begin writing symphonies, either in this life time of mine, whether years from now, or in another life of mine, I know that my will directs me to the orchestra, that the piano itself is a wonderful, capable instrument, however it pails in comparison to my true ambitions and aims, which direct themselves to a symphonic orchestra and even possibly opera.

December 13, 2011

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I feel that I am rather happy with my works so far, I feel personally that there is much room for improvement, thus I continue to persevere and record whenever I get the chance, just to prove for myself that I am maturing and developing my art into the direction that I am desirous for it to attain to. my music represents immediacy of feeling, where poetry requires some distant comprehension of words first before the subject's feeling can thus become apprehended. the ideas flow freely in music, they are undisclosed and exposed of their essence, it usually requires much time afterward and contemplation just to understand a simple practical connection of a particular melody to a state and condition of reality. poetry has the upper hand on this, as poetry, and thus speech itself, generates the capacity to reason and thus creates 'truths' and 'meanings' apparent to the subjects of the human mind, more closer at hand.

December 13, 2011

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I still possess quite a few death metal CDs and black metal as well. I return to some certain songs by a few bands nearly every day or so online, these songs give me shivers at some point every time I listen to them [some bands and albums such as from Hellhammer's Apocalyptic Raids, Bathory's Hammerheart, Cannibal Corpse's Butchered at Birth, Deicide's self titled album and such]. it is a very similar feeling that I get with Wagner and various other classical composers.

December 15, 2011

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Varg Vikernes was the man that murdered a fellow musician, burned a few churches, was sent to prison in the mid-90's only to be released a year ago, his band is Burzum, Gorgoroth contains a member of the band that did similar, rather torturous crimes to some other people as well, that person is Gaahl. the second wave black metal scene was, in certain parts and various times, rather sinister and inhumane, they were desirous of rejecting Christian ethics because of its suicidal morality, after all, they went to far lengths in order to succeed in doing this, presenting themselves sufficiently, to others as well, for shock effect, for appearing closer in their society to a state of absolute truth, which is brutal to conceive, especially to soft minds that are indoctrinated for their whole lives in ethics that posit the notion of 'infinity', 'dubiety', 'skepticism', 'real existence' and such, when all in fact is rather much more dead, static, empty, false, soon conceived by more genuine minds as nothing more than a dream, all of the human subjects, the landscapes, the actions of men, the will of the world, 'God' if one wishes to resort to using this term, out of crying and begging for a better word.

December 17, 2011

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I was fortunate enough to find that the practice rooms at the college were still open this week, so that I drove down to the place and recorded the final set to the trilogy of improvisations that comprise 'reminiscences' [Reminiscences of Myself]. if any piece of mine deserves finally a fair blessing it would be this one, I find this work to be one of the most mature, experienced and resigned pieces that I have done so far, I was calm, peaceful, thoughtful and reflective throughout, the music and the atmosphere was heavily imaginative. the three parts are posted onto the internet for now. enjoy this.

December 19, 2011

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it turns out that after I had called the college today to see whether the music department practice rooms were still open for the week, I found out that they were, I decided in a rather spontaneous instant to pack my mixer, go ahead and drive down the mountain to the college to record an improvisation. I did this just in time before the college was closed. the weather was cool and the clouds were grey, the whole environment and time that this took place was very atmospheric. the sound of the piano in the recording seems very clear and audible too. I am exhausted, however I now have a new recorded improvisation that I am currently uploading onto the internet here. I think that if any music video of mine to listen to and to enjoy were on here for total comfort, nostalgia and satisfaction, than I think this newest piece of mine can achieve this condition for everyone appropriately. it is my final reminiscence, the one that describes the thoughts and reflections of myself through the means of music. for some good reason while I recorded this my mind was so very peaceful, certain, calm and thoughtful at the time, there was nobody else at all around me, no noise or nervous conversation, I was truly at peace with myself during these moments. the piece itself is very mature and experienced, resigned and abnegated, I was honestly able to put together this piece as one of the finest works that I have done so far in the realm of my improvisation.

December 19, 2011

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a writing done here this morning [Absolute Truth], showing different, more mature philosophical influences [I pay much homage to Hobbes, Hume, Hegel, Spinoza and such, rather than the usual Schopenhauer and Kant]. I feel certainly that I am aging, in a right direction. more to come, music as well.

December 22, 2011

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everything objectified in a subject's world is not nihilistic, meaningless or devoid of purpose. the world reflects objects back to the subject through means of symbolism, reference and communication, as the will of the waking subject upholds and represents the objectivity of the phenomenal world. therefore it becomes apparent, however long it takes, that there exist colours that represent meaning, that yellow means this, that red means this, that there exist geometrical shapes that represent meaning, that a square means this, that a circle means this, this possibility is found through the means of apprehending subjective a priori knowledge, or subjective a priori truth. look at a circle, apprehend the inner nature of this object, understand just what it is that it communicates to you, if you are intelligent and affirm the capacity of your intellect, rather than the suffering resentment and vengefulness of your will, you will solve the riddles of your existence more legitimately and authentically, not fail to value things that leave you empty, hollow, deceived and debased of existential purpose. the line represents certain things, do you infer what these could be? communicate, relate referable ideas in your mind if you can do so, you will apprehend relative answers in regard to this object soon enough. through the thought of the line, straightness, power of certainty, clarity, strength may become observed, you will not associate with a line, if you are smart and faithful to your reason, things such as bendedness, obtrusiveness, dissimulated reason, cunning and deception due to traveling out of the way to arrive ultimately at the end point of the position, these later descriptions relate well to a semicircle or waving line. from here, an incomplete nature of the semicircle or waving line can become perceived. what rests in the actuality that you perceive these objects as such this way rests in the notion of which morality or mode of ethics that you characteristically determine to. if the notion of the absolute bears more preference to you than the notion of the infinite, that masculinity is more devotedly respected to you than femininity [as these two elements, masculinity and femininity, evidently represent the two diametrical inherent forces, the two mutual relationships and retrogressions of the soul and the universe, do you assume that you perceive somehow some additional a priori essential forces than from what is already grounded in the objectivity of the spiritual universe, between the relationships of man and woman, fire and water, air and earth, north and south, east and west, left and right, up and down, odd and even, you would necessarily represent yourself the nature of a fool if you cannot grasp or understand the fundamental nature of this manifest reality], if the absolute bears more preference to you than the notion of the infinite, than you are likely master minded and more or less independent from fear of the above [from authority figures, etc], you are virile, clear and honest, hard determined and tolerable of death, of fate and pain. if the notion of the infinite bears more preference to you than the notion of the absolute, than you are likely slave minded and more or less dependent of fear from the above [from authority figures, etc], you are meek, dubious and deceptive, crying for the affirmation of some reality of your 'free will' [which does not exist of yourself], you are intolerable of death [thus incessant self affirmation and tears over pessimism and tragedy, 'desire for shopping malls and SUV's right?'], you are intolerable of fate [a ceaseless desire to alter and transform hardships and struggle to an easier, a more pastoral and complacent, sheep like life], pain is likely intolerable or unlikable to you for the weak composition of your character and its lacking in boldness and strength to actually and realistically overcome struggle and to attain deliverance from the tedious, mundane, or competitive, domineering fetters of commercial reality. the absolute is a mere concept that faithfully [as it is so in the language of English] represents the notion of various things, particularly aligned with virile, powerful things. like the semicircle or waving line, the absolute does not represent the traits and characteristics of these particular geometrical shapes. as it goes for the concept of the infinite, which faithfully [as it is so in the language of English] represents the notion of various things, particularly aligned with [can you guess it? what practical, realistic substance can you make out of the concept of infinity?], dubiousness, ambiguity, abstraction from reality [as all things in this manifest soul are limited], incessant time, space and causality [which, again these three concepts disappear and negate immediately as soon as a waking subject eternally deceases], femininity eventually becomes classified, with the faithful utilisation of reason, with the various concepts as just listed above, as well as with the concept of the infinite. it should, or may or may not, become clear to you of the relative, inherent nature of things in the universe and the soul, that certain references direct to certain modes of morality, ethics, logic, epistemology, value systems, where the notion of the absolute represents, if applied appropriately and with intelligence, a faithful, clear and honest description of whatever object perceived in the dominion of manifest reality, that this concept of the absolute represents something similar to what we have discussed above, of the straight line, the relative attributes of it that relate to its essence, that, although the concept of masculinity, like all concepts of speech, does not represent, in itself [so long as it pertains to an objective, apparent, fluctuating reality], absolute truth, it is rather correctly applied to truth so long as the representation of it, through the apprehension of relative ideas that are similar and faithful to that masculine, fundamental absolute force and diametrical side, is appropriately utilised, in regard to oneself, or in regard to other waking spirits external to the soul that necessitates a clearer iteration, understanding and utterance, in order to mutually apprehend correctly whatever absolute idea that the method of rationality and empirical observation intends to relate and to communicate [doing this to external subjects, successfully, is indubitably a harder condition to achieve]. relate ideas, do not settle to define eternally and ultimately a fundamental idea based off of one, specific, unchangeable concept, doing this will immediately conceive of error, stagnate the air, leave you as a supposed waking subject labouring in vain to potentially magnify the nature of the soul and the universe. masculinity, along with various other ideas that are similarly included in the one particular side of the essential universe's and soul's duality, altogether represent things such as absolutism, truth, perfect perception, alert sensitivity and such [water forms dumbness and heaviness of organ, thus sensitivity becomes altered into a slow stupidity and fails to act swiftly and accordingly, water represents yet another undesirable trait that sources toward the feminine side of the universe's duality. again, this does not negate the potential of man to descend into the state and nature of universal femininity, neither of woman to achieve a successful state of universal masculinity].

December 25, 2011

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a writing done here this morning [On Subjective Truth], based on the true nature of subjectivity and the will's desire of immediate, intuitive dialectic.

January 2, 2012

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do not get me wrong, I do not truly believe in 'God'. my philosophy is advancing, very much lately, it is this very development that has included the rejection of an independent, humanly compassionate God existing beyond the universe, even as well as the pantheistic notion of a God, as though that he supposedly might exist apart of this world. no, rather than this, I am becoming ever the more convinced that the will of the soul is contained within me, that this will is contained within every other conscious spirit, that when a man makes reference to 'God', he is merely doing so out of a lack of comprehension that this God represents in fact the nature of his soul, he simply needs to communicate to others without offending them, therefore a more impersonal, selfless, universally embracing term is utilised. every conscious spirit I believe is this God, these spirits most of the time are without the degree of recognition that grants to them the knowledge that they are membranes and particles of this God all along, the term God is merely a substituted representation of ideas that are dubious and not yet fully realised in their essence by a subject. when knowledge and truth become achieved, the ambiguity and infinite mystery that is placed in this term God thus turns about and becomes certain and actual, then from this juncture there is no longer a need to utilise this term, as upon the recognition of clarity and truth the mistaken idea of God disappears, there is no longer a stupid need to know something, when without actually knowing the circumstances the conditions of dubiety and infinite mystery thus confuses and obstructs the path to clarity, honest reflection and true abstraction. with this being said, I believe in the notion of there being a 'soul' within a conscious body, that this soul is everlasting and consistently undergoing transformation and regeneration, the process is undying and incessant, the soul merely weaves within and throughout of the body, perhaps into others upon its recent death, bearing with a newborn a regenerated existence. it is important for this soul to adapt to the nature of his existence, I refer now particularly to a man, if this person arises into a community bent on the destruction of his specific form, then various soft and naive concepts such as 'universal love' and 'egalitarianism' no longer serve to preserve the civil condition of his existence, he must become hard and strong, he must shed the ideals of 'beauty' or 'unconditional compassion' if he desires his future incarnation of his soul to remain achieved in a state of safety, security and preservation of his identity. there exist a multitude of objects to wonder at, however much of these objects are merely deceptions, they hide and conceal their true motives of destruction, and with a keen eye from a subject one can discriminate rationally and find himself not succumbing or submitting to consequential errors from the sham ideas of 'universal tolerance' and from backstabbing enemies. the world and the universe is extremely limited, everyone possesses their own values and interests to triumph among others, war and strife, to be real, honest and certain, is inevitable, everlasting and unquenchable, 'universal peace' is a mere childish fantasy, the notion that the universe extends far out into the edges of space merely becomes understood by wiser principles that even this vast extension still exists within the vehicle of the soul, that it is important to refrain from surrendering to delusion, from becoming mistaken from everything when rather all objectivity of the will merely exists within the mind of the subject. I am convinced that there of course exist atomic particles, as this is clearly evident by the use of a microscope, however as I say it again, nothing is infinite, therefore the examination of a space, in directed observation of both the large end and the small end of the threshold of matter, ends eventually where one can go no further in magnification. every object that contains consciousness, such as man, bird, beast, insect, fish, plant, exists as an organic, living body, however everything in itself contains atomic particles, but it is that these particles themselves perhaps cannot contain consciousness, but are likely in fact part of the will of the soul, as apart of the objectivity of the knowing subject. life exists in everything, atomic particles included [this may be another reference to 'God'], however conscious life exists in such that contains the ability to attain consciousness and the recognition of perception [this theory seems dubious, therefore it seems desirable to extend it that even inorganic matter, atomic particles and such are in fact conscious and apart of this method of 'God', or of the soul itself, as everything reflected from the will of the subject is apart of him, how could some parts of his will be alive and conscious and not others?], as far as everything is perceived as a dream, than I may simply juxtapose the notion that all things alive and conscious are rather more truly noticed that all things are merely fantasy and deceptive illusion, that pain and pleasure are the most prominent impediments and obstructions to the knowledge that everything of the will is merely only happening inside the mind of a 'brain in a vat', so instead it appears rather that the soul of man, of the animals, plants, inorganic minerals and such are not actually alive and conscious, neither is the knowing subject himself, everything instead likely exists as 'philosophical zombies' in relation to the subject's will, where even in that final dimension [in regard to the subject himself], he exists as well merely as a greatly fabricated tool, apart of a system of extensively, very intelligently placed items and objects, that various objects appear to him during one time or another, with the appropriate designations of communication to him altogether, however the will still remains empty of divine derivation. I refer to dark matter as merely the colour or shade of the vast majority of the universe, as perceived from the observation of the naked eye, during the subject's perception of it from the time of twilight upon the earth, nothing more and nothing less. without the conception of stars, fire and flame, everything is instead totally dark, there is a reliance on heat in order to illuminate the space of the universe, therefore as nothing is infinitely everlasting, there necessarily exist portions of the universe, during various epochs in time, that are devoid of stars and heat, therefore rendering these particular areas dark and unfathomable, that nothing is forever light either. I believe that when I perish, my spirit, rather soul, will live on, of course, otherwise I ask where this energy would go to, that powers and drives my inner being. it would be foolish to think that somehow this soul immediately exits the realm and dimension of the universe and its matter within a sequence of seconds, to some humanly conceived heaven. the soul simply does not travel swiftly enough to reach the edge of the universe legitimately and seriously, toward the dimension of heaven, therefore it is much more likely that the soul, upon the death of the subject, merely exits the corporeal form of the body, travels around, with a state of consciousness, in the various areas of the world. I have always found it difficult to perceive how it can enter the form of a newly conceived subject, for just when does the drifting soul enter into the subject? upon the immediate initial transfusion of the sperm and the egg? does it enter somehow into the father's sperm prior to the sexual act itself? what about during the physical conception of the infant? or during the first few moments of the waking subject's consciousness [at somewhere likely around the second year of its age?]. therefore, given these questions, it seems more probable that everything is somehow being perceived by an all knowing will, simultaneously, be it in a heaven, beyond the universe, somewhere within it, by a god, or merely by an incorporeal entity. it seems that as one person dies, a thousand others, that are alive, remain simultaneously perceived of their existence, the soul of the deceased person vanishes eventually, the soul of the thousand others proceed onward in the perception of the knowing will, it seems likely that there exists a God after all, if only we were to transform his representation to fit more realistically and faithfully the image of a corporeal spirit, this is not necessary to do however, it is merely optional [this theory still leaves open the possibility that his image remains completely unknowable and imperceptive to the conscious subject]. I believe that during the experience of deja vu, the soul of the subject merely opens for a time the projection of other subjects experiencing just the same thing that it is he is going through [this is difficult to imagine clearly, as the objectivity of the will of the knowing subject is purely conceived to be in his own relation, everything around him is zombified right? as well as himself. how does another man's experience enter into his memory? perhaps his experience is eternally recurring, it is this recurrence of experience that he remembers, not in regard to someone else]. perhaps eventually the man deceases and regenerates in the body of a star, it seems likely, that because the universe expands initially with stars, fire and heat alone, that in the end of its current course every subject of will returns to a star somewhere, then it is here that the universe destroys everything currently within itself and compresses into a tremendously grave particle, only to expand once again, recreating and regenerating everything that it wills to recreate and regenerate [this is a good example of the 'eternal recurrence'].

January 4, 2012

1.2.2012 [On Subjective Truth]

2012-01-02T07:25:00.000-08:00

what I am that certainly exists is beyond a doubt actually occurring, otherwise what I see with my eyes, hear with my ears and such may as well be simultaneously possible and impossible, that if I were to uphold this theory of my non-existence, my perception of every object of will would be impossible to perceive, however I am certain that I am perceiving it at this precise position in time, for I can perceive this certain object here to the right of me, this other object here to the left, I attest to it and affirm it of its truth [however I am alone in this capacity to perceive these objects and to reflect these objects, it is only with a practice of dialectic and communication, through whatever means possible utilised, that a state of understanding with other portions of the will can become achieved. it is also wondered that any transformation and alteration of event can possibly occur at any given moment in time, at any position in the subject's threshold of knowing matter, therefore certainty in itself becomes dubious here as well, even in its final establishment]. it is difficult, then, to maintain and prolong the credible validity of actual, objective existence when sufficient observation is conducted enough by a conscious, spirited subject. this conviction becomes affirmed by certain various subjects disposed distinctly enough and ably enough to arrive at this subjective truth, given the right means and capacity of their character to perceive and to reason everything as such within their means. perhaps what I desire to say is that, pure subjective truth may be arrived at with the apprehension of things in a state of certainty, wherein perception of things in a state of dubiety leaves the subject matter much further prone to error and mistaken delusion through the means of and utilisation of false reason, for the thing in itself that the subject cannot perceive, yet attempts to attain to with his state of knowledge, is impossible to fully comprehend, to understand, to visualise and to form in his deficient state of reason, for to perform this function accurately and properly would necessitate the privilege and right of a god [for nothing lying outside the realm and dimension of the subject's conscious threshold exists during that point in time and with that area of space that the subject proceeds to will and to objectify]. it becomes clearly more difficult to ascertain the credible validity of the subject's objective truth, now that even with his knowledge of things certain and precise alone, these things do not represent an absolute, a priori will, rather they themselves appear to be in a constant state of transformation, alteration and fluctuation, that they apparently arrive at one state yet undoubtedly perish in the next, it is this apparent state of eternal, everlasting birth and death that defines at least one credible truth to the realm and dimension of the subject's illusory existence. there is a desire that is inherent in certain individual subjects to succeed with their existence in uncovering the mask and straightening the knot of confusion toward absolute subjective truth. this very truth is most closely reachable to a subject if a total reconstruction of his will is conceived, that his reason extracts only what is comprehensible to him, thus denies what lies beyond his very sensible range of understandable ideas. here in this particular state does he at last will what is only represented to him, what objects in space are perceived by his eyes, heard through his ears, felt with his fingers and such alone, objects that are thought singularly with his absolute understanding of the mind, as well wherein the notion of time perishes, where it remains merely simplified in particular correlation to the subject's will, as well where motion of the will is perceived dispassionately, distantly and detachedly [for whatever thus moves in this state now becomes understood as apart of and as a reflective communication of this subject's will, an immediate kind of dialectic], all of this is apart of the necessary reconstruction of the subject's epistemological existence if absolute truth is to become achieved. it is here in this state of absolute truth that pure subjective comprehension is achieved, so long as the subject wills certainly, correctly and accurately within this altered and constructed state. objects of reflection thus appear to the subject's senses as a representation of dialectic, everything throughout the subject's will, supported by the subject and made known to him, purely, subjectively and a priori, thus mean something to him, that they signify something and condition themselves of worth and value. certain objects thus mean pleasure to the subject, others to pain, others merely as consequence of a prior cause [this latter is the case for everything, however most objects will further contain subjective feeling, as the state that the subject creates for himself is for the most part subjective and sociable itself, that is, sociable with the very objects that present themselves to the subject's perception]. the purpose for the creation and formation of this state of absolute subjective truth is to rescue the subject from the chaos and disorder of his irrational existence, thus over time to organise and to make clearer the meaning and signification that underlies the foundation of his existence and seems forever to be alluring him into its actuality within his state of consciousness. it is here in this altered state that the objects of perception lose their practical signification, they thus attain pure, subjective meaning. everything becomes communication between the various objectifications of the will and the subject himself. a multitude of thoughts enter into his representation and they thus state various ideas of meaning, ideas that are correlated between the perception of the will's objects and with the rational faculty of the knowing subject. over time, the capacity to reflect knowledge within this altered state becomes natural and primary for the subject. his existence thus attains absolute subjective meaning through and through, thus the potential of love and compassion for himself becomes ever the more realised, his existence becomes elevated and possibly saved from future continuity and preservation, because of the deliverance of the heart to higher, nobler purposes. the subject of absolute truth knows his existence is illusory, all the while he has observed his peculiar nature hinting at him, alluring him into a deeper significance, thus he organises and reconstructs himself to reflect more accurately the absolute, subjective nature of his existence, he understands the very threshold of matter is in itself made manifest and conceived only insofar as his will represents it, that the matter itself extends only insofar as his will admits of it, as well he recognises the inherent need to reconstruct his perception in such a way so that only what is certain to exist, to him, that is, what objects appear to his senses and thus what objects he perceives is as much as he wills, as well that he maintains his abstractions within his mind, faithfully, to what is commencing successively before him, that this method of knowledge is practiced sufficiently in order to conceive of a more clear, honest and coherent existence. he does not want to estimate or rest faith with an idea that does not make its appearance to him, as doing so is impossible to achieve and likely prone to error and delusion. his reflection now understandably communicates to him, he recognises all along that it was doing so, however he is now more fully aware of it, the meaning and significance behind his will thus creates more sense to him at this position in time, he becomes enlightened with ever the more intuitive knowledge. the subject wills absolutely, dispassionately and certainly, he does so as described above, thus with this means of action he may arrive at various moments in time to pure, subjective truth, thus he understands more completely the inherent nature and meaning of his existence, he develops love and compassion for himself, eventually vanishes and evaporates with the wind, as he subsequently empties himself of this compassion and love, that no desire, aim or need ever rests eternally within his subject matter, he practices this pure contemplation of the will, for otherwise the glaring pain of deception, falseness and dubiety surrounds him, it abides within him, telling him there is more truth to his existence than what is commonly perceived [as though there is somehow more objective truth than what meets the eye, when such a thing simply cannot be demonstrated]. a state of absolute subjective truth [or 'absolute knowledge' as Hegel would put it], is desirous for the particular subject that is susceptible and disposed well enough to conceive of it and preserve of it within its state and condition of pure, intuitive dialectic.

January 2, 2012

12.22.2011 [Absolute Truth]

2011-12-22T08:26:00.000-08:00

the subject is the solitary representation of the will. the will, with certainty, belongs to the object-subject. as to the actuality of this will being inherent in anything else, in any other object outside of this subjective form, as a conscious, waking, self independent spirit, it is dubious. the will and the representations of the will may be regarded similarly to positive and negative poles of the universe, similar to the acid and the alkali, the masculine and the feminine, the lingam and the yoni, the sword and the chalice, with the positive pole affixed upon the fiery heavens, the negative toward the sea of doubt [this symbolism will soon be understood more clearly]. objects of the will, abstracted from intuition, devoid of pure reason, and sensed and imagined in whatever they simply represent themselves to be to the subject, may be regarded as real, however it becomes evident rather quickly that these objects are susceptible to change and transformation, thus at one moment they appear to represent to the subject one particular idea, the next they are formed differently. an inquiry into the nature of these things reveals sooner or later to the subject the knowledge that objects of the will do in fact change, however it becomes questioned whether that the objective energy, the force, that is the will, that shapes these objects and binds them together, is in fact changeable itself, namely that what I refer to as the overlying threshold of all these objects, which with close enough precision, I understand is to be the term 'matter'. this very concept represents the reality and actuality of all positive objects within the threshold of the will. there likewise exists, if ever there appears a manifestation of objective forms within the threshold of a subjective will, the notions of time, space and causality, that these three forms of pure reason express the notion of the will and preserve it so long as the subject continues to will. with the manifestation of time, the threshold of the will is no longer static or frozen, with space, the threshold of the will is extended and given range, with causality, motion and movement are granted, according to various laws that govern the actions and changes of the will and its center of force [no cause is free from effect]. matter is closely related to the principle of causality, it is subject to change and transformation, however it is a universal, absolute medium that exists and perseveres, so long as there is a waking subject to perceive it as such. given the immense propensity and skill of man's faculty to reason, along with the various traits and physical abilities naturally becoming endowed to him, it is a relatively predictable and acceptable notion that, with the means of his unique and special kind of willed equipment, most specifically with the voice, does he eventually form greater and higher methods to communicate and relate to his fellow companions just whatever it is that he is perceiving, desiring to do or to know, striving to protect or to affirm, etc, he forms a community of like minded characters to guard and protect himself from the dangers and hostilities of nature. the specific way in which he secures this state of protection is best left to another writing, however, we will here imagine that such a state is already successfully conceived. as the nature of man gradually becomes understood, the knowledge of language develops, he finds his communication with others immersed ever the more with greater, clearer, yet more complicated concepts, his speech develops the growth of pure reason. without this construction, man's intellect devolves greatly and lives in perpetual want of relating and 'getting across' the general desire that his will forces him to attain. it must be made clear that without the method of speech, without the means of abstraction into the 'holy' intellect at all, it is that observation into the matter that reflects before the subject's eyes retains absolute truth, so far as matter itself is understood to be eternal, however that the details and intricacies of matter are forever changing, arising and perishing. it is the want and desire of man to relate, associate and connect with his fellow characters the various mentioned concepts, out of necessity to perform a cooperative task, to understand further the nature of some object or phenomenon, or simply to abstract altogether with pleasure or pain, that his speech becomes significant to him and it excels dramatically over time, that it gives birth to new forms, again, like the particular objects within the threshold of matter, thus arise and pass away, so long as there is an upholding subject to support the nature of this reality. as far as the language of English goes [I use this specific language as an example here, as it is the best bestowed for me, as I and many others utilise this method of speech within my occurring territory], as far as I possess the knowledge of what follows, I know with certainty that, as far as concepts go, with names in particular, there exist a great multitude of factual, precise, exact and correct names that make reference to whatever various object or truth that the subject is desired to relate to another [or to himself, when thinking internally]. there exist in this language [again, English as I am familiar with it most], lukewarm, soft and dubious words, sequences of phrases and such that fail to capture the essence of the object or truth desired, and thus, with enough habit and routine, with all the more utility with these vague words, there conceives a depression, a withdrawal, denial or eventual rejection from the subject with its various objective life forms, this conduct appears in cases that dismiss the subject of its overall, general ideas, or this conduct may appear in observation of particular details of a subject's speech, and thus tend to proceed in rejection from there. with the right use of words, the subject's reflection should meet with approval, with wrong, disapproval. attempts may be made to correct and alter the utilisation of the method of the subject's speech, this may be done with a degree of pure understanding, or with a degree of practical experience, this latter generally consisting of a more irritable, unlikely sentiment. whatever in truth makes a word the right word to use in a train of speech lies in the fact that it must reflect to the subject whatever its sensations, perceptions and understandings that it feels, sees and knows, with clarity and coherence [this latter causes the necessity of appropriate grammar], so that the execution of the subject's thought will not be in vain, but rather deliver itself to a waking spirit, outside of the subject's 'holy' intellect, and thus succeed in performing its desire or means to absolute truth. there exist [in English at least as far as I am aware], these two diametrical, oppositional notions that extend, in matter of speech, in relation to many various things, that these two oppositional forces, be them the two halves of morality, ethics, logic, philosophical epistemology, etc, contain in one half the masculine element, in the other of course the feminine. what arises from dubiety, or rather a lack of knowing the will, deposits its nature in the feminine half, what arises from certainty, the masculine. this by no means excludes the potential of man in his physique to fall into the category of feminine, or of woman unable to arise toward masculine, rather this masculine-feminine dichotomy is similar to a universal pervading law, one that any being is susceptible to fall into one side or the other at whatever given time. from this point, understanding that abstract ideas like the 'absolute' fall into the masculine side, that 'infinite' fall into the feminine, taking this idea and practicing with it a categorisation of however many concepts it is possible for a subject to do so, to sort and classify this or that concept into whatever half, as well so long as the subject remembers accordingly which side that this or that concept originates, also that he affirms the masculine, denies the feminine, it is possible for him to achieve the contented state and condition for him that embodies and encapsulates absolute truth, absolute knowledge. the thought that the subject must affirm the masculine, deny the feminine rests in the fact that the former represents truth, certainty, comprehension, clarity and such, the latter represents error, dubiety, irrationality and misapprehension. the two halves appear to house increments of their respective elements, with the masculine half containing words and thoughts beginning rather mild, while proceeding with newer concepts toward radically more certain and truthful levels, that with the feminine half the sphere contains words and thoughts beginning rather mild as well, proceeding with softer concepts toward radically more dubious and hollow levels. the essence of language can be understood in several ways, in their respective departments [that is, in speech, writing and such]. it is indubitable that the subject will fall and descend to whatever dubious level of speech and naming every now and then, however with persevering aspiration may he align himself once again with some further speech-truths. with speech, the sounds that the subject utters from his tongue, palate and lips, like all objects made known and manifest to the subject, contain reflective meaning that, with the pursuit of the subject's will to reason, thus may he determine the nature and reality of every positive enunciation. the epistemological meaning behind the sounds of the mouth, through the means of speech, are traceable to various ideas and objects found in nature [as are all objects of nature found in reference to one another, at various times and various locations, etc]. the sound of a letter signifies a limited number of objects [for instance, that upon the voice of the letter 'B', there sources immediately particular references to the planet Mercury, the number Two, the Magician of the Tarot, the path between the Crown and Understanding upon the Tree of Life. as with everything else, a list of references to one static, unchanging thing in particular cannot proceed onward perpetually], it becomes clear that, as further practice of absolute masculinity entails, everything in the positive universe is limited, the seemingly 'infinite' number of stars, planets, spatial matter, etc, all are contained in the will of the waking subject, that this reality represents truth, that they are represented by the subject so long as he knows and remembers that these objects exist. the abstractions that the waking subject may make might appear capable of 'boundless', 'undying' strength, magnitude and validity, however it is rather that every waking thought, no matter how 'boundless' and 'liberated' in thought it may seem, still necessitates the will, that the will is determined by natural law, that every cause has some effect, that the cinematic quality of the mind is limited, by presenting to the subject's 'holy' intellect a specific portion at a time, that every succession constitutes time, that all range signifies body and boundary, that all causality follows necessarily one after the other. with the knowledge of writing, various modes and methods of delivering the subject's desired thoughts are utilised, however it soon appears that every method utilised entails certain specific organic qualities and intelligible characters. the same is similar for cultures and civilisations as well. with the general character of the West [as this particular substance holds importance to me, as I am genuinely apart of it], there exists a rather unusual blend of the masculine-feminine dichotomy, wherein the subject of this condition's intellect aspires to great, soaring heights, toward clarity, justice, virtue, honour and such, while at the same time it retains a sense of compassion and sympathy for those left behind. all in all, because of this absolute connection between the two dichotomous halves, I thus deem the civilisation of the West as greatly developed and advanced from its counterparts, highly evolved from its earlier conception and origination. the will prevails so long as there is a subject to embody it, manifest it with its various principles, and to sense, perceive and understand just what it is that the nature of the will presupposes. the concept of 'God' immediately draws attention to the notion that absolute truth and fact are being begged of in question, that the concepts of clarity, coherence and visual assertion are failing for lack of a better word. that there is no certain, relatable, communicable objectification of God, outside matter especially, serves well enough to justify the argument that this concept, as well as countless others, if to elevate and evolve the intelligible spirit of the subjective character toward absolute truth, must be subordinated to the dominion of the feminine spirit, and looked down upon as nothing more than a fiction of the failing imagination, a deluded dream, an impossible possibility. the domain of reality lies in what is sensed, perceived and understood, that is, what is seen, heard, felt and such, awakened into consciousness, and finally traced back toward its relative causes, made known of its consequences. the idea of God is as it is, an idea. however, if the idea of God be supplanted and objectified in all recognisable matter, governed by the same natural laws as above illustrated, and made manifest in the waking subject's will, that all reflection, abstraction and such of this subject make reference to Him, then, like Spinozist pantheism, shall God gain credibility, validity and reality, as finally does He here in the will of the world attain truth, in every waking thing, being, object and phenomenon for the subject. the subject himself, especially when perceived from a first person perspective, represents the body of God in His closest and most independent form, however this body is still bound to the natural laws of causality, yet it is more than evidently capable of falling out of providential, fateful meaning [that is, from what is masculine, true, honest and clear], if only to attain error, pain and torment through the agony of 'free will' [that is, to what is feminine, false, deceptive and vague], thus, like a whipping scourge, he wills to straighten himself up again to attain once more the heavenly effulgence of truth, action, triumph and deliverance toward himself and the various others that intend to uphold a state of communication and relation of reliable words and speech, for the purpose of clarity, cooperation and expression of temperance, painful or pleasant, or of excellence, in spirit and determination.

December 22, 2011

12.17.2011 [Liberation of Reason]

2011-12-17T05:54:00.000-08:00

seventy two times forty three, tenfold manicure, plentiful, manifold, thousands upon thousands of subjects, taught endlessly over flaxen barren roads, wondering around two absolute apocalyptic storm systems, distant thoughts run through green cosmic spatial encrusted kingly solar earth systems. return of sundry matter within specific ordained encapsulations. recognise understood scientific theories of primary citizenry, likewise hasten relations of bolder thoughts, beheld between two affixed characters, before let go of evil spirits that drift suddenly apart to take away their hierarchical mother laws of special innate electrical generation presentment rites. perhaps if it were not for the utmost window low taxes that the blackest night before the white shade miscellaneous colour frenzies, there entreated before essential sensational curves, optical sights, the greatest crypts of heavenly cement door actions open, with probable eclipse, with frenetic distillations. appalled by storm front, covered to the west. palatable execution from seventy two machinations, effrontery sorceries end socket dubitable wrath. return beyond vexation, storm front upon ultimate greed. intense albatross dental mortification. practical utilitarian denial, beside night side curve, diabolical lunar raven decree. clock tower majestic spell toss overlord befallen crater denizen befallen form. wizard oxen left beside performance record understand seventy two golden road silver chalice sword front axel heart two thousand, boundless infinite appropriation presentiments. relatable optical nervous system toward ineffable forsaken reflection. twenty zero thirty five two neither scent settle establishment principium dubitation reluctant profound anatomical vexation zero plastic ultimate end most freeze winter spell full moon frost diencephalon prior prior relation total cement ride horse hold befall clap endurance subtle most grief, death funeral optimum total satiation apple happy random weird thought sensible time. here in the frozen obscured frost sanctuary, lord of the bees, lord of the bees. sensible permutation frost adaptation post prior mercenary inside teeth fire roast stupefaction petrifaction trunk ammunition amelioration total side adaptability confrontation acceleration torn imprudent frown thought lap sip state ebb toss throw capsize barnacle reed foam storm hail wind frost winter spring summer spring. who would have thought, such conspicuous dome like citadels within crown lord crawling inside kingdom. look up, black is the night, sit by still part phlegmatic disdain beside world tower flame dipper ripper sipper slipper grape grape. olive oil distance before, inside hut tumble roam toward, flaming chalice cuckold the lip, eat the rat, eat the rat. one hundred thousand seven hundred thirty two. three million five hundred two billion fifty four. eight hundred two million seven billion two thousand trillion five hundred eighty two thousand seven hundred twenty three thousand four hundred forty four. thousands of thousands of thousands of thousands. four times two, the ratio of pi eats the worm. digest dispel disgorge resurrect regurgitation inhabitation fossilisation ramification attention diverse irksome cumbersome chapters. tragical heroes sent right to opportunity, run before multifarious ratiocination, pusillanimous digest, utmost repulsion dispels revulsion. sockets two and three, seven thousand times returns, open torso bodily discourse, under commandment of law for able bled subject citizenry fortresses. that once was before, now is to be still then. remember circles upon death, gateways to open the chalice of resuscitation. manifold procreations, ebb tide flow ebb, up down, sideways all around, I see before you, before you see me. question the thought of hypnosis. four seventy times two scream all the way. up down cherry round, zero zero zero, ebb tide ebb, triangle, square, misty tides, languid states. recorded track, extension over, Colosseum strange forsaken before me, image line representation. forty seven. before myself, eight eight eight. one half one. sector one, understand one, page, before, beside, after, front colour Satanic death hold. if only I were grey. continuity time official window below, disorganisation, flub weather ratiocination. red to the left of me, now grind my bones to mince the meat. seven again, he pops up. as he does before us. the time that it takes to complete this sentence, already my thoughts will lose what they originally intended to be. lap state sip lake, fall rush water lush, sap sap sip. sappity sip sap sip. livid blunder remorse lung fate remember to late. two thousand twenty two, I'm beside myself, I render myself enjoy. render myself, enjoy. render, myself enjoy. enjoy. enjoy. and joy. last man standing. I kid, however I do this as I please. never to return to normalcy to return to normalcy to return to normalcy. Easter Sunday rots my guts. wrench monkey, grease monkey. zappity zap zap zip. absolute total complete utmost ultimate amazing astonishing brilliant profound God. look at me run Mother, run free as a bird! as a love bird. now off into the trees. bash the skull before the anvil. smithy of Lucifer, from Russia, with love.

December 17, 2011

12.4.2011 [Eternal Deposition]

2011-12-04T13:07:00.001-08:00

aesthetic vision. creation of beautiful recollection. soft thoughts, carried through a distant whispering wind. a generation, preservation of infinite community. love and peace. beyond knowledge and memory of good and evil. a community of mercy. 'universal brotherhood'. time flows. a slow deterioration of optimal sentiment. reversion and return to forsaken, barbarous deeds. primitive chaos and lawless competition, amid feral states of vast irrational wilderness. immense brutality and excessive tribulation. hidden cries for deliverance. unseen prayers of return to paradise. appearance of a seemingly unforeseen phenomena. beyond hushed realms of criticism. an occasional glance from reflective eyes. the presentation of a fearless sword and shield, before a white mass of shining armour. question of positive condition of the subject's nobility. potential existence of supernatural origination. the tide swells. an absolute attention gradually draws toward the subject of luminous grandiosity. an attempt at communication follows. gradual confirmation of the subject's holy derivation. cries for liberation and passionate celebration. the hero sworn to hold true to the salvation's oath. reward and acquisition of divine crown. coronation and ceremony of the state's newly formed king. initial, ambitious rush to promised affixations. temptation to restore order and constitute law. a patronage of recreation. construction of fully formed figures, towers of ivory, monoliths of stone. imperial anointment to divine status. the conservatorship of generative promises. the emperor, successively more blinded to the mere enumeration of the kingdom's will. without desire to return toward reflection. a revelation of absolute intellect. meanwhile, establishment and foundation of the master's dominative threshold by sword and chalice. unable to destroy the solitude of reality. a multitude of fantasies. unbreakable merely by oath. expansion of the principle's dominion by autonomous will power. formation of relative alliance. some partners soft in character, others firm. appointment of various subjects, to positions of nobility and clergy. the vast remaining majority sentenced to chains of capital labour. temptation to understand the self determined reality that unfolds before them. the practicality of utilitarian hands. the realisation of objects manufactured through spiritual contemplation. concepts furnished, produced and given, ultimately leading toward the acquisition of historical knowledge, to mature and develop the essence and character of the master's immaculate substance. excessive limitations drawn, for better ease of control and command of the citizens' ordained community. time's passage. a slow, gradual recognition of disillusionment, in regard to the emperor's declining progression, toward the lost, distant memory of the citizens' historical paradise. observations of growing madness. injustice and repression advance. disgrace mutually felt upon the throne of the imperator, however the resolution left obscured. pain's experience for pleasure. the fear of deposition commences. a radical reformation of the statue's law, in order to curb the growing unrest. all resolute motives performed effectively in vain. internalisation of the population's will, the first method of overcoming the emperor's growing tyranny. denial of external stimuli follows, regarding the legitimacy of the dialectic's certainty and reality. finally, the recognition of futility. the despot, now impossible to overthrow, thus the citizens haunt him with the bitterness of their delusion. in order to poison him with his once promising, now failing substance. the oath is broken. might crumbles. a tower of ivory falls in distress. the tyrant lies down, drunk in a stupor, determined to perish. at last, the eternal tormentor's throne room is invaded. the raid of apocalyptic terror. the absolute monarch deposed and exterminated. messengers of elevated ecstasy. the rejoicing of hands and kisses. the fate of human love. a thorough reconstitution of residential government commences. a compassionate sovereign of the people's liberty appointed. the justification of history, for the purpose of now serving the good. the return to paradise initially achieved, man thus frees from the tyrant's destroyed chains, to unite with the world. communal happiness, liberal humanity. time flows, slowly the effect of the celebration fades into decadence. softening of the universal substance. resentment called into the memory of the free man. a succession of sovereigns proceed, bound to the merciless steel of the scaffold. the abolishment of rotten instincts, deliverance from statuary reality. chaos and freedom abound, determined to destroy any last remaining hope to sanity and sanctuary. hidden cries for deliverance. unseen prayers of return to paradise. appearance of a seemingly unforeseen phenomena.

December 4, 2011

11.25.2011 ['Dethroned Emperor']

2011-11-25T10:34:00.000-08:00

blasphemous heresy and establishment of propositional infinity. ambitious attempt to remove in liberation. restoration of empirical limitation. denial of the phenomenal spirit. question the existence of motion. a probability of stationary reality. an absolute God, an absolute world. progression of time, the removal of material sensation. every perception relates to the absolute number. 'I am this number'. categorical blasphemy of religious universality. stand the head above the breast. rationality of Pagan conviction. certainty of Euclidean space and time. the form of basic geometry, the thought of positive arithmetic. dismissive of abstract negativity. propagation of objective matter. affectation of the particular doctrine upon the logic and character of the very conceived and manifested subject [that is the 'I am']. aptitude and susceptibility to great sensitivity. inheritance of sharp utility. external representation of abnormal intellect. a grandiose imagination. procreation of a subtle individuality. seclusion from active experience. evolution of idiosyncratic character. unseen capacity to internal reflection. accounted experience of immense brutality. temptation to destroy the subject. reality of pain and dread. morbid fear of the shadow of the reaper. sickness and repugnance of flesh. internal reflection of all the experiential occurrence. was the occurrence necessary? 'the gods wince'. flight of the numbers. formation of the unalterable character by eventual experience. determination of the intellect by the occasion of immense scorn and hatred from others. brilliant virtuosity and effulgence of motivation. exceptional ambition. radical occupation, possession and emergence from prior desperation. initial incidence of creative love and art. excellence and carriage toward the summit of God. lost plate armour and the tower fallen. solitary philosophical science and the recognition of utmost futility. demonstration of disillusionment in amidst a thorough lack of found preferable examples. decomposition of likely resources. the death of truth. thorough defeat and assimilation into massive popularity. residue of the historical intellect within the memory. concentration of personal recollection. establishment of the knowledge of future lives. temptation to generate various new conceptions. 'revelation, deliverance, salvation'. religious aspiration, pertaining to the effect that seems true only in the relative idea and suitability to the character's present state and condition. grotesque affection that incites fear and denial. avoidance of profundity, for the degree presented therein may seem unintentionally too excessive. cognitive reflection upon reality. every known condition of the character absolved. nothing new remains. all, spent through experience, to no lasting effect. impossibility of eternal resolution. transformation and fluctuation now dominate the core of the essential universe. redevelopment of certainty, confidence and personal esteem. recognition that all along that 'I' may have been right. universality of the intellectual principle. divine, cosmic anthropomorphism. during the reign of comprehension and reality, 'I' advance the doctrine of understanding absolutely. however, through perception of various subjective phenomena, an attraction of negative and positive attention results. fear and relief, scorn and welcome, tears and joy, pain and vehemence. eventual mediocrity of impression. conception of a perpetual recognition. the centralisation of the will. an introduction of dialectic. focus upon the genius, the madness. an eventual totality of control, calculation and commandment, of all subjective phenomena and their motives. imperatorial victory, the triumph of power. declaration of autocracy and establishment of the holy state. coronation of the imperator. deification of the absolute monarch. limitation of all that present themselves within the bounds of the emperor. individuals come and go as they please, through free will, however the essential spirit of the state remains the same. seated perpetually upon the throne, a probability of imperial immortality. noticeable fear when looking the emperor in the eye. occasional sympathetic communication with likable subjects. the temporary establishment of 'circle of the tyrants'. understanding and wise to the emperor's will. eventual establishment of aristocracy, nobility and clergy. faithful subordinations. some serve through the sword, others through the wand. occasional appearance of feminine spirit, pleasant to the compassion of the emperor. justification of accretion and holy communion with feminine presentation. coronation of the queen, to traverse the atmosphere with the emperor upon mutual agreement and various occasion. majority of subjective phenomena remain spell bound in a condition of citizenry. subjugation of citizens into the kingdom that rapidly comes into being. nervousness and irritability abound, checked by occasional demonstration of respect, honour and recycle toward the throne of the king. recognition of the everlasting spirit. transformation of the citizen's dialectic into education, the desire to know, to experience, to comprehend the reality of their domination. designation of utility toward manifestation and production of labour. in order to manufacture ideas of spiritual composition, that enlighten the knowledge of their reality. initially, total blindness and denial of the will to their state and condition. further, an arrival closer to a confidence of self mastery. still further, a total recognition and pure understanding of the citizens' state and condition of their reality. a gleaming evidence of a life's existence beyond the threshold of the emperor's arbitrary will. at last, a call to action. the resurrection of free will. revolutionary transformation and clear denial of the emperor's autonomy. final confirmation of the faithful gods and lords. descent of the emperor and the empire, the total rejection and elimination of the ancient regime. into empty sights of unknowable wastelands. abysmal solitude and failing reformation of the once positively intelligible principle and spiritual dominion. meanwhile, rejoicing and celebration of various freed subjects. subsequent derailment and joyous tarnishes thrown at the vivid memory of the now deposed emperor. friendship develops into a universal brotherhood. a communion of the free. election of principles now of trifling importance. the succession of time, a slow decadence and decomposition of the ecstatic memory, that once was rejoiced in, now convenes. various activity, an emerging forgetfulness of just what it was that the brotherhood had striven for and to create. brutal ways, primitive anarchy. the forgotten memory of the deposed imperator. buried in time and dust. a lost general recognition of the genius, the madness, that once led to the obligatory enthronement of the towering subjective spirituality. eventually, time purifies memory. total death and transfiguration of imaginative elements. the renewed universal atmosphere and spatial condition that is susceptible to the introduction of a tyrant. storm clouds. thunder and hail. return of the exile, the dethroned emperor. reconvention of spiritual phenomenology. everlasting cycle, eternal universe.

November 25, 2011

11.24.2011 ['Decline of the West']

2011-11-24T05:23:00.000-08:00

an a priori conception of vast, spiritual wilderness. timeless ideas extended, eternal manifestations of God's utility. beasts of prey, herbs of nutrition. timbers and lakes. licensed for utility in the domain of spiritual life. evolution of the trilobite, birth and death of the tyrannosaurus. an eternal, continuous manifestation of a limited number of spiritual ideas. apocalypse and regeneration. subjectivity, a representative consciousness within every waking formation and organism. fish, insect, beast, bird. an eventual regeneration of man. succession of time, population growth. a lawless condition develops in unfolding chaos and insanity. immense brutality and primitive ways. a recognised stark reality, a helpless suffering of bare essentials. ominously, a foremost introduction. once in a time, an appearance of a mysterious, unknown subject. sent into the swarming horde of wild subjective human phenomena. an acquisition of attention, from many various organisms. attraction to genius, repulsion to insanity. an encapsulation of awe and mystical transformation of the once unseen subject, among the herd of human numbers. comprehension of visibility. temptation to understand. in order to depart further into the darkness and receive a relative transfiguration of holy communion. helplessly, an inevitable demonstration of certainty, as presupposed and predetermined from a long distance and memory of rigourous trials, wiser resolutions and constructive experiences. within the daemon's unholy circle of empiricism. a curiosity of immediate monstrosity. soon to sow the seeds of animosity. roaming forces of dialectic. almost perpetually subordinating the reflective subjects into a weakened state of hypnotic condition. I dominate the floor of the concrete, and abstract, kingdom, closer toward the domain of universal totality. ravish in the prospective pride of the experiences of such glorifying victory. consequence of past eternal errors and reconstructive mistakes. striven to overcome insurmountable difficulties. a struggle that forms and conditions the character into a 'Napoleonic thirst' for domination and conquest. a helpless happiness. 'to grind the heads of my purest enemy'. perpetuation of the grip. everlasting heathen satisfaction. wickedness to others. religious belief and subjective opinions arise. although relative truth is represented in the eye of the beholder, alone. neither opposition will find entreaty. continuous struggle to escape from the master. eventual denial of reality. happy all the more. an eventual manifestation of disbelief, of reality and the empire's totality. the master, lessened somewhat. a presentation of melancholy, although with an acquisition of renewed knowledge. over time, a successive objectification of labour toward the master's megalomaniac state. reflections spent working upon monetary ethic and commercial responsibility. denial of the slave's aptitude to comprehending time, space and causality. the eventual arrival of pure understanding. doubt and conclusive sympathy result from subjective criticism. clash of the numbers. the throne upholds, tried and tested amid the reactionary ordeal of the absolute insatiable monarch's revolutionary dominion. a foremost resituation, reevaluation and redefinition of life's contract, its intelligible character and the plausible multiple forms of utilitarian terminology. inevitable decapitation of the emperor and discarded purple robes. triumph and reestablishment of human sovereignty. prosperity of the horde and a lost and forgotten absolution. the reign of toxicity. reestablishment of law and order, however within denial and bondage of the strong character's freedom and transcendental ideality. suffering, pain and dread endure for the archetypal patriarchal element. endless disease and paradoxical web. consideration of Christian renewal of heathen's birthright. evaporation and revelation of entire spiritual character. 'decline of the West'.

November 24, 2011